Poor Richard’s Almanac

A peek into our medicine cabinet would reveal that we’re a pretty healthy bunch here at Hawk’s Haven. You’d find a bunch of vitamins, some aspirin, and a just-in-case package of decongestant tabs (we rarely get colds, but our friend Ben has a horror of being unable to breathe). Oops, and a huge box of Band-Aids for the uncoordinated Ben’s many scrapes and scratches. Our general philosophy is that most things will cure themselves about as fast as you can cure them, and if you’re really feeling miserable, hot herb tea or a hot toddy and plenty of sleep is the best remedy. So far, our approach has served us well.

But what if being unable to get to sleep is the problem? We’ve all had those nights where wrestling with looming deadlines or looming bills or a looming performance review or some other waking nightmare has kept us tossing and turning. And as we all know, a sleepless night only adds to our worries the next day. Over the years, our friend Ben and Silence Dogood have arrived at a number of ways to keep those demons at bay, and not one of them involves reaching for a pill. Next time you’re having trouble getting to sleep, try one. They’ve all earned their One-Ben Awards for effectiveness! (What are One-Ben Awards, you ask? See my earlier post, “Ben Picks Ten: Music,” and you can read all about ‘em.)

1. Cut back on the caffeine. This one should be a no-brainer: If you’re drinking high-powered espressos, cappucinos, and French roast all day (and all night), do you really think you’re going to sleep well? Doh! Ditto for caffeinated sodas. Caffeine definitely has its place, but by mid-afternoon, it’s time to switch to decaf for the rest of the day. Give your body a break! Even decaf has some caffeine, though, so it’s best to stop drinking coffee, black or green tea, or any naturally caffeinated beverage after dinner to give yourself a chance to wind down.

2. Make a little noise. White noise, that is, the kind of low-key, repetitive sound that blocks out irregular noises like trucks roaring by, train whistles, and (our favorite) the kitty derby starting up at 3 a.m. as the cats chase each other through the house. No need for a fancy white-noise machine—a fan on low or the air conditioner does the trick nicely.

3. Drink your tea. Forget that “glass of milk before bedtime” stuff—the protein in milk is actually a stimulant. Instead, brew up a cup of chamomile tea. This gentle herb tea has earned its stripes over the centuries as a sleeping aid, and our friend Ben knows its effectiveness first-hand: within five minutes of drinking a cup, I’m out. But don’t add sugar, not even honey: It, too, is a stimulant. Our friend Ben thinks that if you can drink black coffee, you can certainly drink mild-flavored chamomile tea. But if you simply must add something, try a splash of lemon juice.

4. Or try something stronger. A glass of wine or a drink is a nice way to relax before bedtime. Port is especially warming on a cold night (our favorite is Sandeman’s Tawny Port, which has a wonderful flavor and color and isn’t syrupy-sweet like some ports). If you opt for a mixed drink, keep that bourbon or rum or Kahlua away from the coffee and cola, though!

5. Read a boring book. This one is our friend Ben’s go-to remedy, and it has never failed me. I first discovered it during an unfortunate encounter with emergency surgery that involved a hospital stay. As you know if you’ve ever been confined to bed for more than a day, it becomes increasingly hard to actually sleep, since your body isn’t tired. Fortunately, in this case, I had brought a huge, scholarly tome on the history of the Amish along that I was trying to get through. It was not, shall we say, riveting reading, but that turned out to be a blessing in disguise: It could knock our friend Ben out every time within five pages. You must have a boring book lying around somewhere—an old textbook, a novel you couldn’t get through, a history or investment guide or something that sounded good but proved to be virtually unreadable. If worse comes to worst, go to the used bookstore or library discard bin and choose one to keep around just for this reason. But make sure it’s on a neutral topic—no murder mysteries or other graphic violence or disturbing stuff. The idea is to put yourself to sleep, not give yourself nightmares. (More on this in a minute.)

6. Count your blessings. Our friend Ben is embarrassed to admit that this works far better for me than any of those bizarre mind tricks that are supposed to numb you into sleep, like counting sheep or counting backwards from a hundred. Perhaps putting yourself in an attitude of gratitude simply creates a peaceful, restful atmosphere. But whatever the case, our friend Ben likes to end each day by giving thanks for all the good things the day has brought, and long before that list is complete, I’m sleeping as soundly as our cat Linus after he’s managed to shove our golden retriever, Molly, completely off her huge dog bed and gone to that wonderful place that all cats seem to find in their dreams. (Our friend Ben knows of nothing as relaxed and contented-looking as a sleeping cat. Just looking at one is enough to relax you, too.)

7. Get some exercise. It’s hard to get to sleep when your body’s not tired, even if your mind’s exhausted. This is yet another good reason to get out and get some exercise every day, whether you’re taking a walk, doing some gardening, or heading to the gym or the pool. Your body will thank you for all sorts of reasons! Just don’t exercise before bedtime. You guessed it: Exercise is stimulating, and you’ll be too pumped up to be able to relax into sleep.

8. Stop the clock. The mental clock, that is. Our friend Ben makes it a point to stop thinking about anything serious for at least a half-hour before bedtime. This is not the time to be worrying about the mortgage or having a gut-wrenching discussion or even thinking about something fun and exciting, like planning a vacation or, say, writing a blog post. Like a bulldog with a pork chop, the mind will seize on any stimulation and worry at it for hours on end. The good, the bad, and the ugly—it all needs to stop if you’re planning on sleeping anytime soon. Sweep the floor, do the dishes, clean the litterbox—mindless chores are a good way to shut yourself off.

9. Turn off the TV. I know this will be the hardest one for many of you, but watching the late-night news with its graphic gore and violence and its endless parade of bad news, or a shoot-’em-up or cut-’em-up show, or even hearing the screaming, shrieking, overloud and overhyped commercials that punctuate any show, is going to imprint violence, hysteria, and noise on your brain. And that’s not what you need when you’re trying to relax into sleep. An hour before bedtime, cut yourself off. Record or download your faves and watch ‘em after supper. (Okay, sports fans, I know there’s about as much chance of your turning off the game as cutting off your own arm. Just self-medicate with beer so you can sleep when it’s all over.) Can’t tear yourself away from the screen? This is a good time to watch favorite DVDs that you already know and love; they’re less likely to get your mind overstimulated than something new. But go for the romances or the documentaries, not the blood-and-guts thrillers, if you really plan on getting to sleep.

10. Love the one you’re with. Our friend Ben aims for a PG rating for Poor Richard’s Almanac, but in this case, we gotta go for the X. There’s nothing like a good session of loving to—I was about to say, get the kinks out, but let’s opt for “relax those tense muscles and help you drift off to sleep” instead. And, as an added benefit, remember that scientists have found that the more sex you have, the younger you look! (Hmmm, we wonder how those scientists discovered that interesting fact. And people think science is dull!)

There are actually two more techniques that our friend Ben would like to add to the list:

11. Sleep cool. Turn down the thermostat a bit before bedtime. Our friend Ben won’t claim that this saves energy, since the extra cooling in summer probably balances out the money saved on heat in winter. But it sure helps you get a better night’s sleep! That’s because you warm up your surroundings as you sleep, transferring body heat to the bedclothes. If you’re perfectly comfortable when you lie down, you’ll soon find yourself overheating, which makes for a bad night of semiconscious thrashing and turning while attempting to cool down. If, on the other hand, you start out a bit cool, you’ll soon reach a perfect temperature for nightlong comfort. Just a bit cool, though—freezing is hardly what anyone would call a restful state.

12. Make sure your bed suits you. Our friend Ben has spent far too many sleepless nights as a guest on rock-hard futons and iron-hard mattresses to ignore this point. A mushy, saggy mattress is no one’s idea of comfort, but our friend Ben has to wonder what sadist or religious zealot thought up the board-hard bed. If you’re curvy like Silence, these boardlike mattresses are especially excruciating, since they don’t conform to your curves. Aaaarrrggghhhh!!! You might as well be sleeping on the bare ground, and in fact, it might be softer. Our friend Ben suggests that you ignore the experts and find a mattress that actually feels good. New bedding not in your budget? Check out the new generation of air mattresses. Our friend Ben discovered these while staying at a friend’s, and we now have two of them at Hawk’s Haven for the comfort of our own guests. You can inflate them to the exact level of firmness that feels right to you, and they’re as comfortable as any bed our friend Ben has ever known, and more comfortable than almost all of them. As an added benefit, they cost a lot less than a mattress, too! Don’t forget the pillows when you’re thinking about comfy bedding. The right combination can make all the difference! Our friend Ben prefers a foam rubber pillow on the bottom with a plumper pillow on top—the foam rubber has just the right amount of give combined with the firmer top pillow. Check out various combinations and see what works for you!    

And finally for the bonus:

13. Stop the snoring. There’s nothing like a stentorian barrage of snoring for keeping the non-snoring partner awake and homicidal. And it doesn’t seem fair to our friend Ben to punish the non-snorer by forcing her to wear earplugs while her oblivious partner snorts, gasps, and roars through the night. I read in a blog post not long ago (but too long ago, alas, for my feeble brain cells to remember whose blog it was) that those adhesive strips that you put on your nose to open the airways really work. Though, frankly, sticking tape on your nose every night doesn’t strike our friend Ben as appealing. But I guess it’s better than being murdered in your sleep. There are also a number of stop-snoring spray cans on the market. Our friend Ben burst out laughing the first time I saw these on a pharmacy shelf: I had an instant vision of the sleepless spouse firing off a macelike blast into the face of her snoring partner. That would stop the snoring, all right! And it might have an interesting effect on the relationship, as well. A closer look revealed that the snorer was supposed to spray a few blasts into his mouth; presumably keeping the throat from drying out will help stifle the noise. Maybe between the nose strips and the sprays, a couple could at least reach detente; our friend Ben can’t say for sure, but open breathing passages and a moistened throat sound like good signs to me. And of course, there’s always that white noise. Crank it up!   

Sleep gives our bodies and minds a chance to repair and restore themselves so we can face another day. It works far better than any other restorative technique, and it’s free and available to all. It’s far too precious a resource to lose to worry, caffeine, or TV. Our friend Ben says, reclaim your right to a good night’s sleep! You’ll live longer and better if you do. (Linus would like to add his two cents here: He says that you’ll always sleep better in someone else’s bed, but only if you toss them out first.) 

Now it’s your turn. Please share your sleep-inducing techniques with us!