Poor Richard’s Almanac

It’s pirate week here at Poor Richard’s Almanac! Picking up where Richard Saunders left off with his pirate quiz (see “A piratical post” to test your pirate savvy), our friend Ben would like to present my One-Ben Awards in ten (plus two) pirate-related categories. So without more ado:

1. Most ferocious-looking pirate. The One-Ben Award in this category goes hands-down to Edward Teach, better known as Blackbeard. Huge and burly, Blackbeard would have been intimidating in any situation. He was also armed literally to the teeth, bristling with cutlasses, pistols, daggers, and an assortment of other weapons. But his famous beard was his crowning glory. Long and thick, it was divided into octopus-like sections which were each tied with a red ribbon. In battle, Blackbeard must have looked to his terrified enemies like a fiend from hell, since he would put cannon fuses in his beard and set them on fire before charging, weapons ablaze, smoke and flames surrounding his head like an infernal halo.  

2. Best pirate treasure. Others may have had greater treasures, but our friend Ben is giving the One-Ben Award in this category to Captain Kidd, who is the only pirate actually known to have buried a treasure. It strikes our friend Ben as hysterical, given subsequent history, but where Captain Kidd buried his fabled treasure was not on some deserted island but instead was on Long Island! Though historically factual, Captain Kidd’s buried trasure has never been found. But it fueled an unquenchable legend for buried treasure and treasure maps when three of the most successful writers of their day, Washington Irving (Wolfert Webber), Robert Louis Stevenson (Treasure Island), and Edgar Allan Poe (The Gold Bug) used the legend of Captain Kidd’s treasure as inspiration for their works. These days, it’s sunken treasure rather than buried treasure that fires the imagination of contemporary treasure-hunters, as legendary ship after ship has finally been found with their cargoes of gold coin and other riches.

3. Luckiest pirate. The One-Ben Award in this category goes to Sir Francis Drake. The famous privateer and his ship, the Golden Hind, enjoyed the patronage and protection of Queen Elizabeth I, so rather than being pursued by the British Navy like other pirates, he could plunder with impunity—as long as he focused his efforts on the Spanish and gave a cut to the Crown. He was so successful that the Spanish, who called him “El Draque” (”The Dragon”), put a reward on his head that would now be worth 8 million dollars. Despite the enormous prize, no one ever collected, and Drake was knighted by the Queen and made Vice Admiral of the British Navy in recognition of his services to the Crown.  

4. Happiest pirate. Our friend Ben thinks Captain “Calico Jack” Rackham is best qualified for this award. While other pirates literally had a wife in every port—Blackbeard is said to have had between 12 and 14 simultaneously—women were generally forbidden on board pirate ships, so it was a long time between conjugal visits. Calico Jack, however, kept his mistress, Anne Bonney (or Bonny), at his side, on board and off. He even allowed another woman, Mary Read, to become a member of his pirate crew, provided she remained in disguise as a man.   

5. Best pirate flag. Blackbeard wins again. Though our friend Ben admires the flag of Calico Jack, with its paired cutlasses crossed beneath a skull—very clean, very much to the point, so to speak—for sheer terror, Blackbeard’s flag is unbeatable. It shows a horned skeleton with an hourglass in one hand, to show that time was running out for his unfortunate victims, and a spear in the other. The spear is aimed at a heart from which red drops of blood are falling. The eerie flag (black, of course) with its creepy horned skeleton would strike terror into anyone’s heart. Nothing “jolly” about it! 

6. Worst pirate enemy. The British Navy wins this one. Pirates may have wreaked terror on merchant ships and Spanish galleons, but if they ended up in a fight with a British Man o’War, it was likely to be their last. Many a pirate was finally brought down in an encounter with the Navy, including the greatest of them all, Black Bart, the Great Pirate Roberts. But we’ll get back to him in a minute.

7. Best time to be a pirate. Definitely during the Golden Age of Piracy, which lasted just a few decades, from the 1680s to the 1720s. It was during these glory days that Anglo-American pirates had their heyday, ransacking ships in the Caribbean, the Indian Ocean, and along the Barbary Coast. Many pirates had been trained by the Royal Navy, but after Queen Anne’s War (the War of the Spanish Succession), they found themselves out of a job and took to the high seas. There was plenty of plunder to be had, and the pirates made the most of it. However, their behavior made them understandably unpopular with the British and American authorities, who eventually hunted most of the ringleaders down, bringing about the end of an era—but not the end of the pirate legend. 

8. Least likely pirate. Stede Bonnet was a Virginia gentleman who also owned extensive properties in Barbados. But the life of the landed gentry lacked excitement for Bonnet, so he took to the sea as a pirate. Unlike “real” pirates, who were generally seasoned sailors and typically acquired their ships as spoils, Bonnet bought his ship, and rather than luring sailors to sign with him on the promise of future treasure, he paid their salaries upfront. Despite his lack of piratical experience and his gentlemanly behavior, Stede Bonnet proved to be a success as a pirate, even partnering for a time with the fearsome Blackbeard. Perhaps the fact that his trademark was burning the ships he captured had something to do with his success.

9. Best-dressed pirate. The One-Ben Award in this category goes to Bartholomew “Black Bart” Roberts, aka the Great Pirate Roberts. Black Bart was a dandy by anybody’s standards, the bad boy rock star of his age. Tricked out in furs and velvet, with a crimson vest, a red feather in his hat, and numerous jewels, including a huge diamond cross (originally intended for the king of Portugal) on a massive gold chain, Roberts’ appearance was as extravagant as any Elizabethan lord’s. He also loved the refinements of life, including music and dancing, and preferred a good cup of tea to the rum that most pirates drank as their due.

10. Most successful pirate. The Great Pirate Roberts also wins this award hands-down. In his career, Black Bart captured more than 470 ships. He was more feared than any other pirate—ships refused to even put up a token fight against him, fleeing if they were able at the very appearance of his sails. His vast treasure—which disappeared mysteriously after his death—dwarfed that of any other pirate. Though today, pirates like Blackbeard, Captain Kidd, Jean Lafitte, and Captain Morgan are better known, nobody else even comes close. 

And the bonuses:

11. Most unlikely pirate fact. The expression “honor among thieves” may have originated with pirates, because, in fact, they had elaborate codes of honor. Both Sir Henry Morgan (Captain Morgan) and Bartholomew “Black Bart” Roberts drew up a Pirate Code of Honour for their men. Black Bart’s 11 rules included these: “Every man shall have an equal vote in affairs of moment,” “None shall game for money either with dice or cards,” “The lights and candles should be put out at eight at night,” “No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them,” “None shall strike another on board the ship,” and “The musicians shall have rest on the Sabbath Day.” The rules were clearly intended to preserve order and prevent infighting, and any violations were punishable by slit ears and noses, marooning, or death. (Roberts did allow the pirates to settle disputes by dueling, but only on land.) Shares of the spoils were also spelled out in the Pirate Code, both for officers and for “private gentlemen of fortune.”

12. Most successful posthumous pirate: Admiral Sir Henry Morgan, aka Captain Morgan, was a piratical success story even while he lived. He amassed a huge fortune through piracy and privateering, and was subsequently knighted by King Charles II for his depradations against the Spanish New World colonies and made an admiral, to boot. On his retirement from the High Seas, he was appointed Lieutenant Governor of Jamaica, and enjoyed a dissolute retirement until his death from natural causes. Quite a difference from the usual pirate fate! But his greatest success came several centuries later, when Captain Morgan rum was launched in 1944. Today, Captain Morgan is the third largest-selling spirit in America and the seventh worldwide. The money that’s raking in would make the avaricious old pirate drool. The legend lives on!