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Ben Picks Ten: Signs That You’re Over the Edge March 30, 2009

Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.
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Deadline pressure has been known to drive normally sane people like our friend Ben and Silence Dogood a little, shall we say, into Far Side—or even Twilight Zone—territory. Both of us are on deadline as I write, so we collaborated to come up with ten warning signs for this post. If you’re feeling a bit pressured, maybe you can relate. And if you don’t realize you’re feeling pressured, maybe you’d better check these out:

1. The Chef Boyardee ravioli in your dog’s dish is starting to actually look good. 

2. You get one of those group e-mails that includes the phrase “Who lit the fuse on your tampon?” and really wish you had said that.

3. Your #1 fantasy is working in a factory making widgets, getting a regular paycheck, and never thinking about work, even when you’re working.

4. You start feeling really, really jealous of your cat, because every time you see him, he’s either eating or sleeping.

5. You stop answering phone calls. Those people are just out to get you, anyway.

6. You check the fridge; maybe you didn’t give the dog the whole can of ravioli after all.

7. You forgot why he calls himself Chef “Boyardee.” (You can’t believe you’re actually thinking about this.)

8. You get into an argument about whether Dolley Madison is a brand of cupcakes or ice cream. Several hours later, you discover that your partner was actually suggesting that the real Dolley Madison introduced ice cream to White House functions, not that Dolley Madison ice cream is a brand. At which point you get into another argument because you think Thomas Jefferson introduced ice cream to the White House.

9. Your partner has brought a rubber duck home from his travels and introduced it into your bathroom. The two of you previously acquired a rubber duck at the same motel and have set it up in the shower as an emblem of a happy vacation. Suddenly, the usurper duck is in the shower and the original duck is exiled to the back of the toilet. You restore the original duck to the shower and take a photo of the usurper duck as it circles the toilet en route to being flushed into the septic tank. You then tuck the photo into the dossier in your partner’s briefcase that he’s taking to show to his committee.

10. After talking things over, you and your partner decide that it’s high time you went out for supper. Booking a table at a high-end restaurant, you proceed to order ravioli, then place a somewhat battered rubber duck beside your plate.

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Comments»

1. Davis - March 30, 2009

would you get to sit down on the widget job?

Ha! You’d have to, otherwise forget it!

2. Victoria - March 30, 2009

I’m with you on the widgets. And the phone calls. I thought I was the only person who shouts “Go AWAY!” when the phone rings.

Ha!!! I think our favorite response to the ringing phone is “Oh good God!!!”

3. Joy - March 30, 2009

This was just what I needed : )
Thank you for making me laugh so much .. and we let the answering machine decide on whether we should actually pick up the phone after we say “who the he** is calling now ?” LOL
Too funny .. that tampon one is a scream ; )

Our mantra is “Thank God for Caller ID,” Joy! And yes, I hadn’t heard the tampon thing before and thought it was a classic!

4. Deb - March 31, 2009

Snort, tampon fuse, snicker snicker.

Glad I’m not the only one who hadn’t heard that before. Gotta love it!!!

5. fairegarden - March 31, 2009

No deadlines here except those self imposed by a slightly obessive personality, but the ringing phone is a pet peeve. How dare they call!!!! We NEVER answer, and only check the caller ID when we feel like it. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. And if I do answer, and it is some sort of sales pitch, look out, you are going to be blasted by one who knows the English language. You won’t know what hit you. Most of the time they are speechless and hang up.
Frances

Ha! Please record your tirade and send us a copy, Frances! We’ll play it into the phone the next time we get an “out of area” call!


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