So stop already.

Silence Dogood here. I was totally grossed out a couple of seconds ago to receive an e-mail from Duncraft, the venerable backyard birdfeeding company, offering an array of its latest products. Normally, I enjoy seeing what Duncraft has come up with. But today, not so much.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a chance to eat lunch yet. Or maybe it’s because I’m a vegetarian. But Duncraft’s ads for its freeze-dried mealworms were enough to put me off of lunch for life.

Back in the day, mealworms were the province of reptile and amphibian lovers, who raised them in oatmeal canisters in the fridge and fed them to their lizards and toads. This was not exactly a glamorous, high-end activity. It was about as small-scale and low-end as you could get.

Then, the industry that supplies the backyard birdwatchers and birders with feeders, feed, gizmos and gadgets discovered mealworms. They discovered that birds loved mealworms’ high fat and protein content, and best of all, that the mealworms didn’t have to be alive for the birds to eat them. (Reptiles and amphibians have to see something move to go for it; I guess birds just have to see it.) No more messy live bugs in the fridge!

Backyard bird enthusiasts can now buy bags of freeze-dried mealworms to keep their feathered friends happy. I say, so far, so good. But this latest ad has crossed the line. It’s marketing the mealworms as though people were going to eat them. Bleeeccchhh!!!

This ad technique got its start in the pet food industry, when savvy marketers noticed that customers would be more likely to buy dog and cat food if it sounded appealing to them, as opposed to appealing to their pets. Rather than marketing a food in terms of “Dogs love the flavor and texture of this food and it contains more essential vitamins, minerals, fiber and protein than any other brand, as well as the latest neutraceuticals to keep dogs playful and alert,” it’s “Fifi will love our new Beluga Caviar on Toast Pointes” or “Jamison turned his adorable pink nose up at every single brand of cat food until we tried KittyCat’s Iron Chef Saumon Tartare a la Grenouille.”

Not that any of this really resembles food, of course. No more than prepackaged pizzas resemble pizza or the frozen meals-in-a-box look like the picture of actual food on the cover. But the hype is apparently enough for us in both cases. Sounds yummy? We’ll buy it, for ourselves or our hapless pets. 

But oh, please. Gourmet mealworms?!! 

Yes, I do happen to know that many people worldwide consider bugs of various sorts as delicacies. A former boss once toured Australia, and on her return informed us all that she’d eaten raw witchetty grubs, an Aboriginal delicacy that, according to Wikipedia, tastes like almonds when eaten raw and, when lightly cooked over ashes, “the skin becomes crisp like roast chicken while the inside becomes light yellow, like a fried egg.” And look, these grubs are big. Ginormous. I was never able to really look at my boss again.

I’m also aware that people eat crispy-fried grasshoppers and chocolate-dipped ants. One question: Why?!!! It’s one thing if it’s them or you, or you’re living in an extreme climate and you’d die if you didn’t. All righty then. (And let me just note how relieved I was to learn that modern anthropologists had deciphered John the Baptist’s famous diet of locusts and honey to mean that he ate honey locust pods, not those horrid grasshopper-like locust insects.)

But let’s just say I’ve watched my toads eat grasshoppers and it’s not a pretty sight. Sort of like watching somebody swallow down a king crab shell, legs and all. I realize that eating shell and all is considered tout a la mode when it comes to foods like soft shell crabs, but frankly, I think those people need help.

So here I am innocently opening this e-mail from Duncraft and I not only see freeze-dried mealworms for sale (eeeewwww), but “Flavorful Fruity Worms to Go! 20% Off!” Followed by “Delicious Fruity Flavors, Too! $12.75 Each!” You can choose from “Mealworms and Berry,” “Mealworms and Cranberry,” and “Mealworms and Fruit.” EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please, marketers. Please don’t do that to me. I don’t want to eat mealworms, or witchetty grubs, or chocolate-covered ants, or any kind of bug, ever, thank you. I’m sure you can find Anthony Bourdain’s e-mail address, or at least his show’s or agent’s. Why not save this sort of hype for him and send me e-mails that are targeted to the benefits for birds’ taste buds and health instead of mine? I recognize that my tastes are different from my pets’, from other animals’, even from my friends’.  I’d be so grateful if you’d recognize that, too.

             ‘Til next time,

                             Silence