Poor Richard’s Almanac

Yesterday, our friend and fellow blog contributor Richard Saunders dropped by to brainstorm with our friend Ben and Silence Dogood about a topic dear to all of our hearts: How to celebrate when our blog, Poor Richard’s Almanac, reaches 100,000 views, which we think will happen about three weeks from now. Naturally, we want to include all of you in the celebration, since you’re the ones who’ve made it happen!

We decided a giveaway was in order. Since our friend Ben and Silence are writers and editors and Richard is a professor, we of course started off thinking of books as prizes. Perhaps an autographed copy one of Silence’s recent books like Kick the Clutter could be first prize. Second prize would be two of Silence’s books. (Just kidding, Silence! Ow! Ow!!!!!) Richard’s thinking of donating packets of his own homemade Poor Richard’s Emergency Room Special Crushed Hot Pepper Blend for those brave souls who are willing to try it.

Faithful readers may recall that our friend Ben is a marble collector, and that, thanks to a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the JABO marble company outside Reno, Ohio, I was able to participate in what’s called a “marble run,” when a particular batch of marbles is made at the plant. JABO’s special runs go on for just a couple of days, so the incredible marbles they produce in each run aren’t just spectacular, they’re rare. Our friend Ben proposes to send a group of these Tribute to Friendship marbles to a lucky winner.

So now our friend Ben has some questions for you. Doubtless I, Silence, and Richard (and possibly Shiloh and our irrepressible cat Linus, already immortalized in the book Pets’ Letters to God 2) will contribute our own special touches to the celebratory post when we actually hit that magic 100,000 milestone. But we’ve never hosted a giveaway before. How should we go about it?

This is what we’re thinking: Everyone who responds to our celebratory post will be eligible for a prize. Everyone who comments should note in their comment which prize(s) they’d like to receive. (We’ll repeat all this in the actual 100,000-view post so you don’t have to try to remember it now!) We’ll have our friend Rob pull the winners’ names out of a hat (well, his Penn State cap). So please select a “consolation prize” as a backup in addition to your first choice!

We wish we could invite each and every one of you here to Hawk’s Haven for a real party, but even if by some miracle all of you could come, our pitiful ancient plumbing could never survive it. We’ll get composting toilets, solar panels, and a wind-pumped well the second we win the lottery, we promise. Meanwhile, a virtual celebration will have to do. Does this sound sufficiently celebratory? Please let us know!

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Silence had just dashed out the door to get some ricotta and mozzarella for tonight’s veggie lasagna, and our friend Ben was just putting the finishing touches on this post, when a by now all-too-familiar sharp rapping sounded on the front door, accompanied by a bellowed “God’s teeth, young Ben! Haven’t you noticed it’s raining out here? Make haste, dear boy, before I catch my death of cold!”

Rushing to the door with an enthusiastic Shiloh hot on my heels, I threw it open to reveal none other than the dripping form of our blog mentor and hero, Benjamin Franklin, steaming (in more ways than one) on our doorstep.

Our friend Ben: Er, Dr. Franklin, please come in!

Dr. F.: Thank’ee, young man! I was beginning to despair of ever attracting your attention. [catching sight of Shiloh] What’s this?! Don’t tell me you’ve taking to housing wolves! Call off the beast!!!

Shiloh [having apparently decided that old Ben's fur cap, an affectation from his days at the French court, must be some kind of cat]: AROOOOOO!!!!!

Dr. F. [threatening Shiloh with his cane]: Back! Back, I say!!!

OFB: Shiloh, leave it! Off! Get down! I said LEAVE it! OFFFFFFF!!!!!

[OFB hastily seizes Doctor Franklin's dripping cloak, the offending hat, and cane, and stows them in the mudroom out of Shiloh's sight.]

OFB: Er, Shiloh’s not a wolf, Dr. F.! She’s a German shepherd!

Dr. F. [staring at Shiloh]: What’s that you say, young Ben? A German shepherd?! To think, I always thought those Grimm brothers must have had a few pints too many, the way they carried on about wolves and enchantments. But clearly this unfortunate shepherd has been the victim of a witch’s curse and has been transformed into a wolf! Dear, dear, perhaps my father’s good friend Cotton Mather was right after all…

OFB [recalling that the German shepherd breed didn't come into existence until the 1890s]: Er, no, no, Dr. F.!  Shiloh’s not actually a German shepherd. She’s a German shepherd dog. A dog, Dr. F.! 

Dr. F. [still looking at Shiloh suspiciously]: A dog, you say? Hmmm. Still looks like a wolf to me…

OFB [attempting a distraction]: Er, to what do I owe this pleasure, Doctor Franklin?

Dr. F. [shuddering dramatically]: You know, young Ben, that rain has chilled me through. I don’t suppose you have anything, ah, warming at hand?

OFB [suppressing groan]: I have port, bourbon, porter, rum…

Dr. F.: Good lad! A noggin of hot buttered rum and a few comestibles would certainly hit the spot!

OFB: How does a big slice of apple pie and a wedge of Cheddar cheese sound?

Dr. F.: Ahhhh, perfect, dear boy! I’ll just settle my old bones in this rocker—you do recall that I invented the rocking chair, I’m sure—and await your arrival with the viands. [Stares again at Shiloh, now settled on the rug at his feet] You’re, ah, sure this isn’t a wolf? It certainly has a very glossy pelt. Perfect for a new fur hat and muff…

OFB [clanking around kitchen]: No, no, Dr. F.!!! A dog! Shiloh’s a dog!!!

Dr. F. [sighs]: Pity. [Brightens at sight of steaming mug and platter.] Ah, thanks, dear boy!

OFB: Uh, you were saying…

Dr. F.: Mmpf?!

OFB: About how you happened to be visiting…

Dr. F. [swigging down a large draught of rum]: Ah, of course, young Ben! I heard that Poor Richard’s Almanac is gearing up to celebrate its 100,000th view! Congratulations!

OFB: Why thank you, Doctor Franklin! I was just wondering how to celebrate when you arrived.

Dr. F.: Well, haven’t you forgotten something? 

OFB: Urk?! What would that be?

Dr. F.: Why, me, of course! Don’t you all claim me as your inspiration and blog mentor?

OFB: Yes, of course we do…

Dr. F.: Then surely the grand prize in your celebratory competition should be this biography of me by Walter Isaacs! [Rummages in coat and extracts a battered copy.] Perhaps I’ll even autograph it for the winner and include, ah, what do they say now—oh, yes—”personalization”!

OFB [staring dubiously at the battered paperback]: Uh…

Dr. F.: And what do you mean by asking your friend Rob to draw the winners?! Surely I should be the one who selects them from the hat!

OFB: Uh…

Dr. F. [drains mug, looks regretfully at empty plate]: Dear me, I really must be off. So much to do, so little time! And speaking of time, did you know that General Washington has asked me to design a sundial for Mount Vernon? I’m thinking of using a variant on my dollar design for the Continental coinage. What do you think?

OFB: Uh…

Dr. F.: Never mind, poor lad. I can see you’re distracted. But never fear, I’ll be back for the drawing! Oh, and here, you can keep the book until then. [Seizes cloak, hat, and stick and beats a hasty retreat, eyeing Shiloh watchfully all the while.]

Shiloh: AROOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

OFB [collapsing, head in hands]: AROOOOOO!!!!!

Silence [coming in door with grocery bag]: Good God, Ben! What’s come over you?! And what’s that book you’re holding?

OFB: It’s Isaacson’s bio of Ben Franklin.

Silence: But we already have a copy!

OFB: No, this one’s a prize for our 100,000th view celebration.

Silence [taking it from OFB's hand]: Eeeewww, you can’t mean that, Ben! The cover’s creased. And there’s this label inside that says “To Ed from the Millers”!

OFB: Uh, but Doctor Franklin said…

Silence: What?! Not this again. And is that rum I smell?! Really, Ben, what’s come over you?!!

OFB: Uh…

[crashing noise from kitchen] OFB, Silence: SHILOOOHHHHHHH!!!

Silence [from kitchen]: Oh, Ben, our apple pie! And that nice wedge of Cheddar! What were they doing just sitting on the counter like that?!!

OFB: Ow!!! Owwwwww!!!!!

[curtain]