Manners for men.

Silence Dogood here. I’d just like to say that our friend Ben’s and my relationship has endured in (usually) good standing for as long as it has because, very early on, I taught OFB a critical phrase.

Now, I know that the Sweet Potato Queens claim that the “Four Magic Words” that any man can use to enslave women everywhere are “Let me do that.” And, God knows, I wholeheartedly approve. But I don’t think that’s really enough to keep a relationship healthy.

The simple, three-word phrase I taught our friend Ben was: “I’m so sorry.” It’s been my experience that guys just don’t have the first clue how to deal with women’s problems. Their response to anguished comments like “AAAAHHHH!!! A stinkbug just flew onto my arm!” “Oh, no, I burned our dinner!” “OWWW!!! I just hit my foot on that stupid dry sink!” and “@#!&%***, I can’t believe I dropped that and it broke!!!” tends to be inane and insensitive, to say the least. “Oh, never mind.” “Say, did you know the Pirates won again?” “It could have been worse.” “Uh, did you say something?” “Here’s what you should do.” GRRRRRRR.

To short-circuit the inevitable destruction, either of the actual guy or of the relationship, that can result from this sort of response, my three-word response is an all-purpose panacea. It’s so short, even guys can remember it. It applies to pretty much every situation. Naturally, it needs to be said with apparent sincerity, so guys, you might want to practice a few times before it (inevitably) comes up: “I’m so sorry.” Think what a world of trouble this will save you!

Of course, if you want to follow it up with “Let me do that,” you’ll become an instant hero. But, despite rumors to the contrary, women don’t actually expect men to be heroic all the time. We do, however, expect you to be sympathetic at all times. That’s why “I’m so sorry” is worth more than gold, since it can quickly become automatic, and it’s all that’s really required.

Please don’t succumb to temptation and elaborate with the usual “but it could have been worse,” “but here’s what you should do,” “but I don’t see why it’s such a big deal,” “but you look all right to me.” No buts. Just “I’m so sorry,” and you’re off the hook. No candy, flowers or (shudder) cards required. No jewelry, no dinner out (though that is always appreciated). Just ”I’m so sorry,” delivered with feeling and (please) without sarcasm.

Yes, you may have to say it five or six times a day. Women’s lives are filled with probably incomprehensible crises. (“Oh no, there’s a spot on this blouse!” “I’m so sorry.” “%*&$#@!!!, I tore another nail!” “I’m so sorry.” “I spent five hours writing this stupid overview, and then the power went off and I lost the whole thing!” “I’m so sorry.” “I don’t know how I’m ever going to get all this done before tomorrow afternoon!” “I’m so sorry.”) See? It’s so easy, and so effective. Try it, you’ll like it (and what it does for your relationship).

Life presents enough challenges for any couple, without having to snarl up and hurt feelings over stuff that clearly means a lot to one partner and is incomprehensible to the other. Ladies, let’s just say that it can’t hurt for you to practice and use this useful phrase as well. “*&^%$#@!!!, the Pirates lost!!!” “I’m so sorry.” “Just look at this poison ivy on my leg!” “I’m so sorry.” ”I can’t find my glasses!” “I’m so sorry.” For once, what’s sauce for the gander is definitely sauce for the goose as well.

           ‘Til next time,

                        Silence