Trick or treat.

Trick-or-treating adults aren’t exactly PC. But that doesn’t mean that our freind Ben and Silence Dogood don’t talk about dressing up as Dracula and Morticia, suiting our black German shepherd puppy Shiloh up with some batwings and a red-lined satin cape, and heading out in search of booty. We don’t, of course, but that’s because we don’t think we’d get anything worth eating, and probably a ton of abuse from outraged homeowners. Doesn’t stop us thinking about it, though.

And since today is, as we learned on MSN, a holiday called Sweetest Day, let’s celebrate by time-traveling back to a Hallowe’en where you were really looking forward to all that trick-or-treat booty. Suppose you could fantasize about a trick-or-treat extravanganza where every treat was safe—no sadistic perverts sticking razor blades in apples—and the bounty you brought home was limited only by your imagination. No need to worry about calories or cholesterol or the Glycemic Index or tooth decay. The Health Police are on vacation. You can have whatever you want!

Taking that trip back in time, here’s what our friend Ben and Silence came up with in our ideal Hallowe’en treat bags:

* Atomic Fireballs. Hot, hot, hot! As adults, we understand that hard candy is hard on your tooth enamel, so we avoid these cinnamony delights. But if all bets were off, we’d be grabbing a bag in a heartbeat. 

* Malt balls. Ditto for these. We love them!

* Baby Ruth bars. Even the baby-size versions are fine with us.

* Caramel apples. Oh, yum! Silence’s favorite, especially Granny Smith apples coated with buttery real caramel. None of that weird red stuff for us!

* Butterfingers. Our friend Ben has a weakness for these chocolate-covered crunchy toffee treats.

* Caramel corn. Please, please, give us tons of this buttery sweet popcorn treat, preferably with pecans and almonds. 

* Cinnamon-sugar almonds. Hot almonds coated with cinnamon and sugar are so good, we’d eat them every day if we could find and afford them! But the secret is, they do need to be hot, or at least nice and warm.

* Toffee pecan shortbread. Our all-time favorite.

* Symphony. This weirdly named Hershey’s chocolate bar is actually our favorite. It combines three faves, chocolate, toffee, and almonds. Yum!!!

* Free pizza coupon. Oops, just thought we’d mention it. We’d be happy to enjoy a nice, hot slice on your doorstep, too.

* Doughnuts. Powdered sugar and cinnamon are our favorites, unless you really want to go for it and give us some apple fritters or cream-filled, chocolate-coated long johns.

* Hot buttered popcorn. Give us plenty of butter and salt and we’re good to go.

* Goo-Goo Clusters Supreme. This delicious confection, made with pecans, marshmallow cream, caramel, and chocolate, originated in our native Nashville. We’ll be happy to take a carton!

* Honey-roasted cashews. Speaking of nuts, we love cashews, but honey-roasted cashews are our all-time favorites. Yum!!!

* Dried pineapple, cherries and cranberries. Oh, gee. Dried fruit is so incredibly good. Since you asked, we’ll be happy to take some dried Medjool dates, candied ginger, and Australian apricots, too.

* Cheese. Oh, did we forget to mention cheese? Cheese sticks, those little individually wrapped cheese rectangles, little cheese rounds. Don’t they go beautifully with dried fruit and nuts (hint, hint)?!

* Bones, chew toys, and sweet potato treats. Uh, these aren’t for us, but a certain batwing-festooned puppy would certainly appreciate them. 

Silence says that’s probably enough. We suggest that you print out this list and stock up accordingly in case you see us coming on Hallowe’en night. But if you’d like to add a few treats of your own, feel free! We’d be only too happy to see them.