Warming up.

Silence Dogood here. It’s October, normally my favorite month. But this year, the weather gods apparently got confused and decided to send us some winter weather instead of the glorious, deliciously sunny and cool fall days we normally enjoy this time of year. Unprepared for actual cold, I’ve been freezing all month.

The last thing we need is huge heating bills starting in October. So we’ve been combating the cold by putting flannel sheets, a down comforter, and wool blankets on the bed; tacking up bubble wrap to prevent any window drafts; and adding draft stoppers at every inside and outside door that tends to let in cold air. And I’ve started wearing my winter uniform of cushy fleece-lined slippers, fleece anklets, legwarmers, flannel shirts, fleece vest, fleece jacket, soft scarf, and fingerless mittens, as needed. But yow, this seems so premature and extreme. Isn’t there a better way to stay warm?!

Well of course there is, if you have access to technology and enough money to pay for it. As I sit here shivering—reminding myself that all this shaking is burning calories!—I think about all the incredible warming devices I’ve enjoyed in friends’ and family’s houses. These fantasies may not make me any warmer, but at least thinking about them gives me a warm feeling. Here are a few things I think about as I’m shivering, unable to get warm no matter what I do:

* Instant hot water. Imagine turning on the tap and not having to wait, and wait, and wait while the water warms up? And hey, how about unlimited hot water as long as we’re dreaming?

* Hot towels. The only times I’ve ever been presented with hot towels—unless I was folding them fresh from the dryer—were when my father’s girlfriend gave me a spa treatment as a birthday or Christmas present. But talk about a delicious luxury! I know that some folks have heated towel racks that keep their towels warm at all times. The thought of stepping out of the shower and wrapping myself in a hot towel is heart-stopping to me. Ah, I wish!

* Hot bathroom floor. In my father’s girlfriend’s home, every bathroom has heated floors. There is no way to describe the luxury of bare feet meeting warm floor!

* Hot floors, period. Our friend Cole’s house has heated slate floors in every room. OMG! What an incredibly delicious feeling. It’s like being transported back to ancient Rome, without the horror of slave boys feeding fuel into the hypocausts.

* Gas fireplaces. Our friend Ben and I love the smell of woodsmoke, but for a warm, maintenance-free fire, it’s hard to beat our friends Delilah and Chaz’s and Carolyn and Gary’s gas fireplaces. Unlike the gas fireplace inserts of my grandparents’ day, these come in cast-iron “woodstoves” that look as cheerful and authentic as they feel. Mmmmm!!!

* Bedwarmers. OFB and I already have a few bedwarmers—of the feline variety. But as I crawl into the icy bed at night, I think how nice it would be if it were already toasty when I slipped between the sheets. I have a few friends who’re addicted to electric blankets, but I think (mind you, having never tried an electric blanket) that the real deal would be having the mattress beneath you warmed up, not the blanket on top. I guess I could tuck a hot-water bottle into the covers before bedtime, but that seems like a pain. (And knowing me, the seal wouldn’t be quite right and the bed would end up soaked.) But how nice to imagine a thermostatically controlled, auto-timed device that would have the bed temperature just right when you were ready to turn in for the night. Aaaahhhh!!!

* Functional fireplaces. OFB grew up in a Colonial home with a fireplace in every room. Unfortunately, his father was so terrified that the old wood place would go up in smoke that he only allowed the family to light fires at Christmas, but OFB has never forgotten the joy of going to sleep with a fire crackling away in the grate and the luscious smell of woodsmoke permeating the room. Talk about luxury!

* Fur. As a vegetarian, I let my sister inherit my mother’s and grandma’s fur coats, and you’re not going to see me wearing one in this lifetime. But there is nothing, and I mean nothing, as luxurious as the feel of fur against bare skin. If you doubt me, take a second the next time your cat curls up against your bare arm to really appreciate what that feels like. OMG!!!

* Hot food. I don’t know about you, but when I’m cold I can’t bear the thought of eating cold food. I want hot food, and I don’t want to wait while it heats up, at least at lunch. At night, I’m cooking anyway, and am happy to give our meal as much time as it needs. But at lunch, I’m in the middle of my workday and don’t want to take an endless break to prepare something hot. (And of course, being Luddites, we don’t have a microwave, nor will we be getting one.) So of course I fantasize about the lunch genie materializing with my hot Chinese or Indian or Thai or Middle Eastern or Mexican or pizza or mac’n'cheese or club sandwich and sweet potato fries or, or… sigh.

* Escape. Key West, anyone? Santa Fe? Morocco? Provence? Egypt? India? Greece? The colder it is, the more I long for a vacation someplace warm. Someplace with blue skies and hot sun and yummy food and incredible ambience and, if at all possible, gorgeous oceans.

Well, that’s ten, so that’s probably enough for now. But I’m sure you have more and better waiting in the wings! Please let me know what they are. Maybe one will actually be doable and affordable! I tell you, I live in hope.

             ‘Til next time,

                       Silence