Poor Richard’s Almanac

Pro-Pain. October 24, 2010

Our friend Ben and Silence Dogood were stunned to see this declaration of Sadism written on the label of a key hanging behind the counter of our local hardware store:

                             PRO-

                              PAIN

We were there trying to find wood polish and concealer, i.e., something that would cover up the scratches made on our cedar chests by our beloved but outrageously destructive black German shepherd, Shiloh. There are times when, frankly, we’d like to sell Shiloh to Mr. Moon’s Dog Stew Emporium for her Destructo-Dog behavior.  But no, never, would we be pro-pain.  We are seriously anti-pain. “Pain hurts” pretty much sums it all up for us. What the bleep?!!

Turns out, according to the guy who was helping us find scratch removers for our wood furniture, this key-script was in fact alluding to propane, a popular fuel in our isolated, Amish-populated area. Oh. Propane.

But what about “Pro-Pain”? After all, there on the wall adjoining the keys were a cutlass, scimitar, photo of a white shark a la “Jaws,” and charming portrait of Rasputin. When we inquired, the store clerk told us that, in fact, they belonged to the guy who wrote “Pro-Pain” on the key tag. Then he told us the guy would be in the following day if we wanted to come back and point out his spelling error.

Sadly, the guy is doomed to live in ignorance of his educational flaws, since neither Silence nor our friend Ben is about to go up to somebody with this guy’s idea of decor and point out anything. At least, not unless we’re adequately armed! As the store clerk said after looking at the wall of grisly trophies, then at the key tag, and thinking it over, “Hmmm. Maybe that’s not a misspelling after all.”