Oh, please. January 13, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.Tags: blog humor, food concept architects, pretension
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Silence Dogood here. I was going to let our friend and fellow blog contributor Richard Saunders post today, but you’ll just have to wait until tomorrow for his post (coin collectors take note). After I read an e-mail from Amazon, I just had to bump Richard to tomorrow so I could have a little hissy fit.
You see, to our friend Ben’s horror, Amazon appears to have noticed that I like to cook, and I like to buy cookbooks. So it regularly sends me e-mails with updates on the latest books about cooking and food, hoping to tempt me (sometimes successfully) into buying them. Today’s e-mail featured a book with the intriguing title Pangaea. Why It Tastes So Good. (Martin Kouprie, Key Porter Books, 2011, $35, or $23.10 through Amazon) I had to click on the description to see what it was. Turns out, Pangaea is a famous restaurant in Toronto and Mr. Kouprie is its founder and chef.
So I’m reading the book description and get to the “About the Author” part and read the following: “He [Mr. Kouprie] is the father of a son, Oliver and is married to cookbook author and food concept architect Dana McCauley.” Food concept architect. Say what?!!
Naturally, the image of the famous Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota sprang to mind, composed as it is of bazillion ears of corn. Or perhaps Ms. McCauley specializes in monumental ice or butter sculptures. Giant gingerbread houses? But wait, I’m forgetting about the “concept” part! Perhaps she merely imagines giant structures made from food rather than actually trying to build them. A cupcake cottage with an icing roof or a Disney World-style fairy castle made of ice cream and candy would be a lot easier to think about than to do, don’t you think?
What exactly is a “food concept architect”? When I checked with my good friend Google, the following description, from Ms. McCauley’s own website (www.danamccauley.com), popped up: “Brand revitalization, food trend tracking, marketing, ghost writing, recipe testing and developing and objective category analysis for the food industry.” Oh. You mean PR and advertising! Image tweaking and successful promotion of same!
Brand revitalization: Subway and McDonald’s positioning themselves as health-food destinations, the former by offering multigrain and whole-wheat monster buns and “lite” mayo and promoting lower-calorie options so you can gulp down that footlong with some chips and a soda and think you’re a paragon of diet virtue, and the latter by adding a few more salads to its menu so you can at least look at them before loading up on a Big Mac, fries and a shake. Domino’s admitting their pizzas were disgusting and promoting a revamped recipe. KFC adding a grilled chicken option to their deep-fried fare.
Geez. In a world where trash collectors are “sanitation engineers,” waiters and waitresses are “servers,” and stewards and stewardesses are “flight attendants,” I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that PR folks who specialize in food are now “food concept architects.” How lofty it sounds, far removed from the world of spin and that old game-changer, profit and loss.
I suppose I ought to contact my legal concept architect before posting this to make sure I don’t run into difficulties with a libel concept architect, not to mention potentially offending some reader concept architects or causing permanent damage to the psyches of food concept architects, according to some psychiatric concept architects. But your blogger concept architect will bravely push forward in the naive hope that somewhere, somehow, sanity will prevail.
‘Til next time,
Silence
The perfect dog. January 11, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in pets, Uncategorized, wit and wisdom.Tags: black German shepherds, dogs, German shepherds, Shiloh
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As faithful readers know, our friend Ben and Silence Dogood are currently the proud parents of Pioneer Hawk’s Haven Shiloh von Shiloh Special, a black German shepherd female who’ll turn two years old this February. Prior to Shiloh, we’ve owned two wonderful golden retrievers, Annie and Molly.
We loved our golden girls, and I know OFB had his heart set on a third. But when our Molly died after a horrific bout with liver cancer, I was determined to return to my first choice, a German shepherd. I grew up with Afghan hounds, poodles, cocker spaniels, Springer spaniels, and my all-time favorite, my brilliant and loving Hapilus, a half-cocker/half-Springer mix I got in sixth grade. Yet, exceptional as Hapilus was (how many dogs play piano, drive a car—or at least hop into the driver’s seat, put their paws on the wheel, and stick their head out the window—and climb trees?), as an adult, I wanted a German shepherd.
Why a shepherd, when I’d never had one, known one, or even seen one on TV? I can’t give you a good answer; I just knew. So I went to the local Humane Society shelter and signed up for a youngish female German shepherd who was up for adoption. And was turned down because I was single and worked, despite my assurances that I would love and care for her as my own. I hope they didn’t euthanize that poor dog rather than allow a single working person like me to adopt her!
By the time I met OFB, I’d adopted Annie, a beautifully behaved 1 1/2-year-old golden retriever female who’d been retained by her kennel for breeding purposes, then found to be recessive for cataracts. Rather than breeding her anyway, the responsible kennel owner put her up for sale, and I bought her. Our friend Ben loved Annie as I did, and it killed us when, just a year after I brought her home, we lost her after a heroic battle with bone cancer. Then we got Molly, our big, beautiful, smart second golden retriever. She was OFB’s special girl, and we both adored her and she us for ten years. Then we lost her.
It was impossible for either of us to imagine life without a dog, but after two goldens, I was ready to find the German shepherd of my dreams. I wanted a smart, brave, funny, companionable dog to brighten my days, and I found her online at Pioneer German Shepherds’ website. They were outside Gettysburg, just a couple of hours away from Hawk’s Haven, the cottage home our friend Ben and I share in the precise middle of nowhere, PA. They had two puppies left from their latest litter, and one of those was a black female. Another couple was coming to see the pups that weekend; could we come as well?
Well, no. OFB had commitments that wouldn’t let us go down, and I certainly wasn’t going to pick out a pup without Ben’s input. We’d have to go the following weekend, assuming the black female was still available. We’d have to take our chances. But you know, I just knew she would be. I knew she was going to be our Shiloh. I bought a puppy-size collar and leash, and OFB and I headed down to PA apple country. The couple who’d come down the week before bought the black-and-tan male; Shiloh was still available. We signed the paperwork, and a still-dubious OFB and I settled Shiloh in her carrier for the long ride home. (She was an angel; not a peep the whole way.)
A year and a half later, I can say without doubt that I’ve never had or heard of a dog that approached Shiloh. She’s smart, kind, affectionate, beautiful, and hysterically funny. Topping out at 75 pounds, she’s light for a Pioneer German Shepherd but is strong enough to pull a car. She can run like the wind; in motion, you can’t even see the dog, just a black blur. Her herding instinct is very strong: She herds our cats, her toys, our chickens, and us, and is never happier than when all of us are together. She not only understands English but tries to speak it at every opportunity. She keeps a close eye on all of us, and is plastered to our side, whining nervously and nosing us continuously if OFB or I aren’t feeling well. I’m sure that with any encouragement she’d be out hailing an ambulance.
When our friend Ben and I were down in North Carolina visiting family last weekend, OFB took me to a Barnes & Noble (bless his heart, he knows too much family togetherness can just be too much), and I found a copy of German Shepherds for Dummies by D. Caroline Coile, Ph.D. Flipping through the book, I found this passage:
“The German Shepherd Dog standard emphasizes temperament perhaps more than any other breed standard… :
‘With an effervescent temperament, the dog must also be cooperative, adapting to every situation, and take to work willingly and joyfully. He must show courage and hardness as the situation requires to defend his handler and his property. He must readily attack on his owner’s command but otherwise be a fully attentive, obedient and pleasant household companion. He should be devoted to his familiar surroundings, above all to other animals and children, and composed in his contact with people. All in all, he gives a harmonious picture of natural nobility and self-confidence .’
“…The perfect German Shepherd would conform to every point of the [breed] standard and trot with great, sound strides. Beyond that, he would be of strong and noble temperament and of robust health. There is no perfect German Shepherd…”
Oh? We beg to differ. We happen to know a German shepherd who’s picture-perfect, whose gait is breathtaking, whose temperament is strong, noble, loving, and kind (not to mention funny in private moments). Whose health is robust. Whose intelligence is almost on a human order. Whose concern for all under her protection surpasses most human caretakers, and whose perception of health or other issues is exact and immediate.
Her name is Pioneer Hawk’s Haven Shiloh von Shiloh Special. (That’s just “Shiloh” to you.) She’s our friend Ben’s adoring companion and my beloved protector; she would call 911 herself if she thought I was ill, or joyously join me and OFB for movie night, sharing a big bowl of popcorn and lying attentively between our chairs watching the film. She’s not yet two years old, yet she’s already everything a dog could ever be, and more than most of us could ever hope to be.
Shiloh, Shiloh. We love you so. God grant you health and long life, so you can continue to show us what it means to be truly human.
A satisfying stir-fry. January 11, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in recipes, wit and wisdom.Tags: chili oil, P.F. Chang's, Silence Dogood cooks, stir-fry
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Silence Dogood here. Our friend Ben and I just returned from a long weekend in North Carolina visiting family, and our trip included supper at one of our favorite restaurants, P.F. Chang’s. (Mind you, we only eat there when in Greensboro, NC, which means once or at most twice a year, so it’s a real treat.) P.F. Chang’s always puts out a tray of condiments at each table, including our favorite Chinese super-hot mustard, duck sauce, soy sauce, vinegar, and the like. The tray also includes a cruet of chili oil.
Now, not being a fan of hot for heat’s sake, I’d never dared to try the chili oil. But this trip, I gathered my courage and asked our server about it. “It’s not really that hot, but it adds a nice smoky flavor to food,” he said. So when my spring rolls arrived, I tentatively asked OFB to pass the chili oil.
Our server was right! It wasn’t too hot, but it added a delicious smoky flavor. Yum!!! When my tofu and broccoli main course arrived, I applied chili oil liberally and was ecstatic with the flavor of my meal. “Where can I find this?!” I asked. Our server assured me that I could find it in most supermarkets, and then arrived with a couple of containers for me to take home as well. No wonder we love P.F. Chang’s!
Back home, I was determined to put that chili oil to good use. I happened to have extra-firm tofu, snap peas, mushrooms, red bell peppers, garlic, sweet onion, baby carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, fresh ginger, and cashews on hand. So I put brown basmati rice in the rice cooker and sauteed the veggies, tofu, and some miso paste in the chili oil, adding the cashews just before serving it all over the rice. Oh, yum! Another culinary success story.
Now the question is, can I really find mildly hot, smoky chili oil in the grocery, as our server assured me I could? I hope so. And if so, try it, you’ll like it!
‘Til next time,
Silence
Food trends 2011. January 10, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in recipes, Uncategorized, wit and wisdom.Tags: 2011, blog humor, culinary predictions, food, food predictions, Silence Dogood
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Silence Dogood here. Our local paper, the Allentown, PA Morning Call, quoted four ”experts” last Wednesday predicting what lies ahead for food and cooking in America in 2011. It all sounded rather, forgive me, predictable if you asked me.
On the one hand, we find a continued emphasis on local, artisanal, seasonal, organic, heirloom produce and foods (good), and on the other, the rise of celebrity butchers and a growing obsession with offal (i.e., entrails, guts, brains, eyes, feet, reproductive parts, and other animal parts more generally reserved for pet food). Not that the two trends are mutually exclusive. All this was coupled with what now seems like the obligatory nods to vegetarianism (Meatless Monday) and luxury (the return of cocktail hour, white truffles, and etc.). And, of course, smaller portions! As if we hadn’t had more than enough of that overpriced preciousness and pretension with Nouvelle Cuisine.
I, Silence Dogood, take exception to all this. I applaud the emphasis on local, organic, artisanal, seasonal, and heirloom foods. I have no objection to people following the time-honored peasant tradition in every country of eating “everything but the squeak,” and thus saving both money and resources, as long as no one asks me to join them. And far be it from me to decry the venerable cocktail hour. As Jimmy Buffett would say, “It’s five o’clock somewhere.”
What I take exception to is all this turning up on trend lists. Surely nobody but Rip Van Winkle could have failed to see the trend towards local, artisanal, organic, etc.etc. of the past decade-plus. Ditto every celebrity chef from Anthony Bourdain to his parody, Ruth Bourdain, screaming about the unending delights of offal, pig fat, pig cheeks, and meat, meat, meat in general. Surely the cocktail had been enjoying a revival since the rediscovery of the martini in what, the 1980s? As for vegetarianism, veganism, raw foodism, cleanses… oh, please. Small plates? Please. Micro-servings predated the trend for microgreens (also old news) by several decades. Luxury goods? There’s never been belt-tightening where high-end trend foods were concerned.
So where does that leave us in terms of real trends? Here are Silence Dogood’s Top Ten Food Predictions for 2011:
1. A bad year for celebrity chefs. Paula Deen adopts Rachael Ray during a heartwarming TV special; Martha Stewart and Guy Fieri are godparents. Then Paula shocks the culinary world by running off with Emeril before Christmas. (Rumor has it they’ve bought an island in the Florida Keys and are starting their own Creole/Cajun casino.) Oprah invites them to star in a cooking show on her Oprah Winfrey Network, tentatively called “BAM! Ma’am.” Highlights of each show will be Dr. Oz having to eat an entire deep-fried meal created by Paula Deen, and Dr. Phil giving a blow-by-blow analysis of Paula’s and Emeril’s relationship and how they can make it better. Unfortunately, the monster hit show is forced to end prematurely after Emeril “kicks it up a notch” and flambes Dr. Phil after the third episode. Fortunately, devastated viewers can console themselves by tuning in to the new Rachael Ray/Dr. Oz show after the couple announces their elopement.
A scandal breaks out after the Iron Chefs are exposed for using all-aluminum cookware. RuPaul reveals that he is the real Ruth Bourdain, and also the real Ruth Reichl. LaToya Jackson announces that, as a renowned psychic, she has channelled Julia Child and Julia has told her that the future is goose liver pate. “Pate, dear girl, that’s foy-grah en francais! And do try not to drop it, but if you do, a few glasses of burgundy and your guests will assume those stuck-on dust bunnies are some nouveau variation on cracked pepper!”
2. Butter is exonerated. First, we learned that olive oil was good and the polyunsaturated oils like safflower oil, which we’d all been told to eat instead or else, were carcinogenic. Thanks, you stupid nutritionists. We’re glad you were eating them, too. Only a brain-dead plankton would ever have thought anything like margarine, aspartame, or Miracle Whip could be good for you, so revelations in those quarters could hardly have come as surprises.
But I’ve been most happy to see other formerly vilified foods besides olive oil raised to food superhero status in recent years: chocolate, caffeine, red wine, even salt. There’s even a movement to make lard respectable as a health food. I’ll let the offal enthusiasts tackle that one. I myself am waiting for the day that butter is finally recognized as a health food. It’s coming, I promise you.
3. People are finally encouraged to eat responsibly. Nowhere in the world is food consumption as perverted as it is in America. Rather than being told to eat until they feel reasonably full, and then stop, people are told to:
A. Chew every unappetizing mouthful 1,000 times like cows. Ever watched somebody chew food, much less chew it and chew it? Ugh.
B. Stop eating before they feel full. Hey, Sherlock: There’s a difference between feeling satisfied—”That was nice, but I’ve had enough”—and feeling like you’re about to blow up. It should be assumed that reasonable people can tell the difference between the former and the latter.
C. Eat low- or no-cal foods in unlimited quantities so as not to suffer from hunger. I’m not clear why common belief holds that people are always terrified of expiring from starvation if they’re not constantly stuffing themselves with food.
D. Eat every five minutes, but only approved bizarre foods and in approved ridiculous amounts, to offset starvation. See C, above.
E. Eat chemically-laden foods that are low-fat, low-sugar, low-carb, and/or low-cal because it’s “okay” to eat as much of these pseudo-foods (as opposed to real, wholesome, nutrient-rich foods) as you want. Who cares what they’re doing to you? They’re low-cal!
F. Eat an all-protein, high-fat diet and skip those dreadful carbs, aka fruits, veggies, legumes, and grains. You’ll lose weight and keep it off! Never mind if your complexion is lumpy, your skin is grey, and your hair is lifeless and falling out. Hey, you’re thin! And that’s all that counts, isn’t it?
G. Try the latest fad diet. You can eat as much rice, grapefruit, blah-blah as you want, as long as you don’t eat anything else! Wow, talk about an inducement. Sign me up! Ditto those liquid diets, diet bars, or prefab diets with chemical desserts. (Gotta eat dessert, now don’t we?)
H. Take the final road. Forget food. Go for bariatric surgery, tapeworm tablets, or anorexia instead. Or make like Roman banqueters of old and make yourself throw up after every meal.
Are these perversions of eating really what we’ve come to as a nation? I keep seeing condemnations of American eating habits based on the presumption that, as a nation, we collectively grab a Big Mac and fries on the way home, then sit down in front of the TV every night and glug a keg of beer, eat a couple of pepperoni pizzas, wolf down a couple of bowls of buttered popcorn, enjoy a giant platter of loaded nachos, and then order out for a couple dozen wings while consuming several bags of chips. Hey, wait, can’t forget dessert! Where’s that gallon of ice cream and bazillion toppings and the plate of brownies?
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen anyone eat like this, or close. I have to admit, I’ve never even seen anyone order out, much less load up on high-fat junk. I’ve never seen anyone overload a plate. I’ve never seen anyone choose trash when good food was available. I’ve never seen anyone eat dessert after really good, healthy food was offered.
I think it’s time to say “Shut up!” to all the so-called experts and diet gurus and eat with our brains, our taste buds, and our appetites.
4. Cooking is demystified. I can’t tell you how many people I know who are terrified of herbs, spices, condiments, and cooking in general. Why?! Cooking is all about flavor, texture, and temperature. That’s all there is to it. Master those three things, and you’ll be a celebrated cook. In 2011, I’m predicting that chefs and cookbook authors will finally stop trying to complicate things for mystique’s sake and tell it like it is.
5. People finally discover that whole foods taste good. In today’s superprocessed society, this is not just counterintuitive, it’s shocking. But that doesn’t mean it’s not true. No chip ever created tastes better than a carrot stick, scallion, or red pepper strip dipped in hummus, sour-cream-onion or -dill dip, or any cream cheese dip. No form of corn on earth—popcorn, corn chips, tortilla chips, corn muffins—can even begin to compare with a hot buttered ear of corn on the cob. Pretty much nothing can stand against a complex, crunchy salad, and nothing at all can stand up to a baked potato, roasted sweet potatoes, or mashed potatoes.
I could go on and on, but you get it: Fresh, whole foods are best. Once people give themselves permission to enjoy them with salt, pepper, butter, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, pepitas, onion, scallions, herbs, spices, and the like, this will become obvious: Food prepared simply, and simply delicious.
6. People lose their fear of eggs. OMG, salmonella! Cholesterol! Bunk. Pass up factory-farmed eggs. Put your faith in organic, free-range eggs, and bear in mind that those alarmist nutritionists who squawk on and on about eggs have never, ever actually made a connection between the cholesterol in eggs and the cholesterol in people. Genetics suck. Eggs don’t.
7. Branching out becomes de rigueur. All fresh, all the time is great if you can swing it. But what if you live where the winters are harsh, like me and our friend Ben? I’m predicting that people will finally embrace the whole picture of dried, canned, frozen, preserved, and fresh foods. You can still buy local and put up your own. But for mercy’s sake, embrace the wisdom of your ancestors and make sure you have plenty of usable, delicious food staples stored away for bad weather or other emergencies.
8. Tony rocks the culinary world. Anthony Bourdain announces that he’s going to stop being a globetrotting TV star and get back to his roots as a hands-on chef. Then he turns the culinary world upside down by opening a vegetarian restaurant, Roots & Shoots, in SoHo.
Asked what caused him to abandon the world of meat for vegetarian cuisine, he replied: “I’m [bleeping] sick and tired of having to eat [bleepitty-bleep-bleep] [bleep] and smile and pretend I’m enjoying it! If I see one more [bleeping] piece of artisanal salumi, I’m going to [bleeping] throw up! And don’t talk to me about [bleep-bleeping] pig cheeks, pig fat, pig brains, pig eyeballs… Feed that [bleeping] offal to [bleeping] Rachael Ray. I want to eat something that actually tastes good for a [bleeping] change! [Bleep] [bleep-bleep-bleepitty] [bleeping] celebrity! Just give me some [bleeping] food for a change!”
Asked if he’d made any New Year’s resolutions, Mr. Bourdain responded, “Now that I’m a father, I’ve been making a [bleeping] HUGE effort to watch my [bleeping] language!”
9. Heirloom hysteria becomes balanced. Heirloom fruits and veggies have become huge in the past decade as consumers (that would be us) became more aware that many commercially popular foods were created to serve marketing (i.e. packing and industry) needs at the expense of flavor. Unfortunately, the backlash against industry greed and evil has been to vilify every hybrid as a tool of big business.
But it’s been our experience that certain hybrids, like ‘Sungold’ cherry tomatoes and ‘Juliet’ paste tomatoes, are better than anything else on the market. (Sorry, ‘Yellow Pear’ tomatoes and ‘San Marzano’ paste tomatoes; we still love you, too.) How did we encounter these hybrids? Through our organic CSA, which clearly shared our views.
We see that the mainstream vegetable catalogs have taken note of the heirloom craze and the drawbacks to heirlooms as well: low productivity, susceptibility to pests and diseases, extremely limited range. And we see that they’ve taken steps to combine rich heirloom flavor with hybrid reliability, as in the case of Burpee’s ‘Brandy Boy’, combining the flavor of the beloved heirloom ‘Brandywine’ with the reliability of their own ‘Big Boy’ hybrid.
We’re not suggesting abandoning heirlooms that do well for you for hybrids, God forbid. But if full-size heirloom tomatoes or whatever don’t do well for you, we suggest that you keep an open mind about the hybrids that are now available. We’re planning to try ‘Brandy Boy’ this year and see how it turns out.
10. What’s in, what’s out. Fried turkey’s out, fried catfish is in. Sushi is out, tempura is in. Bacon is out, fried onion strings are in. Hummus is out, tzatziki is in. Martinis are out, Campari and soda (with a slice of lime) is in. Soy sauce is out, chili oil is in. Raw foodism is out, real foodism is in. Slow cookers are out, rice cookers are in. Cupcakes are out, doughnuts are in. Sourdough is out, no-knead is in. Fresh and pickled jalapenos are out, chipotle is in. Quiche is out, crepes are in. Jelly is out, marmalade is in. Salt and pepper are out, custom salt-pepper blends are in. Williams-Sonoma is out, King Arthur Flour is in. Black-eyed peas are out, butter beans are in. Bland, boring radishes and mustard greens are out, mustard greens and radishes with a bite are in. Lite beer is out, black & tan and porter are in. Chemically-laced sodas are out, flavored sparkling water is in. Caramel is in, chocolate and vanilla are out.
Okay, that’s it for us for 2011. Please share your food trends predictions with us!
‘Til next time,
Silence
Frugality: The interview. January 4, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in Ben Franklin, homesteading, Uncategorized, wit and wisdom.Tags: blog humor, frugal tips, frugal tips for the kitchen, our friend Ben, Ruth Bourdain, Silence Dogood
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Our friend Ben and Silence Dogood realize that yesterday’s post, “2011: Another year of making do,” about belt-tightening during another year of minimal income and rising gas, fuel oil, and electric bills, was not exactly a mood-booster. Sure, we’re scared about all these price increases, when nobody’s exactly increasing the price for our services, but all isn’t doom and gloom around here.
To lighten things up, OFB decided to interview Silence about cost-cutting and mood-boosting in 2011. Here’s the interview:
Our friend Ben: Silence, how do you feel facing 2011?
Silence Dogood: Great, Ben! December 21, the winter solstice, is over, so every day brings a little more light. And every second of light makes me feel better and better.
OFB: We know you’ve had to cut back in many areas in order to make it through the Great Recession. If you suddenly won the lottery, what would be the first thing you’d do?
Silence: I’d turn up the thermostat. I’m so sick of being cold! The very first thing I’d do is crank up the heat to 65 degrees. Then I’d check the ticket to make sure I’d really won.
OFB: What would be your top tip for saving money in hard times?
Silence: Skip the so-called “convenience” stuff. Don’t even think about stopping for coffee or lattes or fast food, or buying ready-made “convenience” foods at the store. They cost so much more, they’re so much worse, they’re either high-fat or, in the case of diet convenience foods, high-chemical, and it’s so much easier and cheaper to make good food yourself. Resist!!!
OFB: What about dining out, going to the movies or shows, buying trendy clothes or the latest gadget, travel?
Silence: Gack, I guess I should have thought of those first, but it seemed so obvious that people should skip all that in hard times I didn’t even think of it. “Keeping up with the Joneses” takes on a very different meaning when times are hard. Instead of trying to spend as much on cars, upscale homes, designer clothes, and fancy vacations, maybe it’s time to share grocery coupons, carpool, swap hand-me-downs, DVDs, CDs, and etc., make enough food for two meals and share the extras with your neighbors in return for a meal of theirs, go in together to buy food staples in bulk.
OFB: That sounds good. But denying yourself new music, books, and movies seems pretty harsh.
Silence: It is harsh, Ben, I can’t deny it. I’ve been dying to see “The King’s Speech,” and I just read that a new Jake Shimabukuro CD is about to be released. But there are plenty of ways to get around it. There’s the library. Not only can we rent books, CDs, and DVDs for free, but there’s a whole bunch of free discard boxes of books and, occasionally, CDs and DVDs in the lobby. Plus, every Saturday the library holds a book sale, with books on sale for 25 cents to a dollar, and it has racks of bestsellers for sale all week for $1 each. If I’m craving a “new” book, I can look there. We’re fortunate to have a great used-CD and -DVD store, along with a super used bookstore, in nearby Kutztown. And we can see all the movies and TV series we want through Netflix for considerably less per month than a pair of movie tickets. But that’s not all.
OFB: Oh?
Silence: Think about it, Ben. We’ve spent years building up a wonderful home library of literally thousands of books, plus pretty hefty music and movie collections. Have you read all those books?
OFB: Uh…
Silence: I didn’t think so. And aren’t there some books you’d love to read again, but haven’t found the time for?
OFB: Of course there are.
Silence: I’m sure the same could be said for our music and movies. We can make fuller use of the resources we already have. And we can always ask for special books, movies, and CDs for Christmas and our birthdays, right? People never seem to know what to give us, so they’d probably welcome some concrete suggestions.
OFB: As opposed to that obscenely stinky cheese your brother decided to give us this Christmas…
Silence: Oh, shut up.
OFB: At least the chickens seemed to like it. Maybe the cold has impaired their sense of smell…
Silence: BEN…
OFB: Er, right, getting back to the interview. Knowing your passion for cooking, what would you advise folks to do if they’re trying to bring down their grocery bills?
Silence: That’s easy, Ben. Make a commitment to eat more legumes (beans, dried peas, lentils, etc.) and grains (rice, oats, cornmeal, etc.)—there are so many ways to make them delicious (refried beans and rice or tortillas being just one example). Clip those pesky coupons, watch for sales, and use the brains God gave you. Make soups, stews and pasta play bigger roles in your diet. Don’t buy frozen veggies in sauce when it’s much cheaper to buy them plain and add butter or your favorite flavoring, but do buy things like Bush’s Grillin’ Beans when it would cost you more to duplicate their seasonings from scratch. Buy store brands—they’re usually cheaper than name brands, even with coupons—but keep an eye out and buy name brands when that’s not the case. Stock up when prices are really good. Watch for sales on salad mixes that make them cheaper than whole heads of lettuce. Cut back on meat. Cheese and butter often go on sale; look sharp and stock up. And never be tempted to buy something just because it’s on sale, unless it’s something you actually like and will eat. You can eat healthy, delicious food on a budget if you’re willing to put a little time into planning and cooking.
OFB: You can?
Silence: (Sigh.) Let’s do the math here. One of your favorite meals is roasted sweet potatoes, sweet onions, and mushrooms served with creamy pasta, green beans or broccoli, and a hearty salad, right?
OFB: [brightening] Right! Could we have that tonight?!
Silence: Yes we could, but let’s not get distracted here. If I buy the packages of mushrooms, sweet potatoes, and green beans or broccoli at the “three for $5.99″ area of the produce section in our local store, that’s $6. Suppose I go for a package of red bell peppers, one of sweet onions, and one of tomatoes for another $5.99. Let’s say I add a bag of mixed greens reduced to 99 cents, a box of store-brand pasta for 99 cents, store-brand butter on sale for $2.50, store-brand sour cream at $1.39, plus shredded white Cheddar cheese on sale at two bags for $4. We’ll make that $22, including tax.
Now, with all this and the various herbs, seasonings, and condiments I already have on hand, I can not only make the creamy pasta, roasted veggies, green beans or broccoli, and salad (with added tomatoes, peppers, and shredded cheese) for our supper, I can make a second supper of pasta with a Cheddar, sweet onion, mushroom, and red pepper sauce, green beans or broccoli, and salad. And there will be leftover pasta with sauce to heat up for lunch, as well as ample supplies of cheese, butter, tomatoes, sweet onions, and sweet potatoes for future meals, all for $22 for two people! If I were making rice rather than pasta to go with the meals, it would cost considerably less (no sour cream or Cheddar, and obviously, no pasta). See how easy it is?
OFB: I think I’m getting a headache.
Silence: (SIGH.) Skipped math class, did you, Ben? You should see how little it costs to make some yummy black bean soup and cornbread, or a hearty lentil stew with homemade bread, or a fabulous Indian feast with dal and curried vegetables and palaak (spinach) paneer… But there’s another point that’s even more important than trying to be cost-conscious when you’re shopping.
OFB: And what’s that?
Silence: Actually using what you buy. If you buy a bunch of stuff and end up throwing it out, you might as well set fire to a bunch of dollar bills and save the gas it takes to drive to the store.
OFB: But… we never throw anything out!
Silence: Waste not, want not, as our hero and blog mentor Benjamin Franklin would say. But there’s a reason we don’t throw anything out, Ben: It’s because I plan our menus carefully in advance and buy only the things we’ll need to make them. Unless I find a great sale on something, in which case, I’ll change the menu to feature whatever-it-is. Carrots, for example. We got a great deal on carrots at the farmers’ market the other week, remember? I knew they’d store well in our unheated mudroom, so we stocked up. And I’ve been adding curried carrots and boiled carrots as sides to our suppers, using carrots in lentil stew, veggie curry, and shepherd’s pie, and serving carrot sticks with our hummus and baba ghannouj ever since.
OFB: You know, I didn’t make the connection.
Silence: That’s because we both love carrots, and since they store so well, I knew we wouldn’t have to go on a monthlong all-carrot diet or something just to use them up. We’re lucky that we both enjoy leftovers, too, but getting creative with leftovers—using them in other dishes—is a great way to add variety without wasting food. Putting that extra half-cup of spaghetti sauce on a pizza or in chili or soup, for example.
OFB: Oh!
Silence: Another brilliant observation, Ben. And since you asked, there’s another reason we don’t waste food, and that’s because we’ve developed a sort of closed system here. We can compost scraps in our bins or put them in the earthworm composter; our chickens, our dog Shiloh, and our parrot Plutarch all love leftover odds and ends. Let’s use an end of stale homemade bread as an example. I could use it to make croutons, bread crumbs, or a base for a delicious dressing. Or we could give pieces to Shiloh, Plutarch, and the chickens. All you really need is a small chicken flock and a compost bin and you’ll never waste food again!
OFB: [desperate to change the subject and avoid more abuse] Ahem, if you could turn back the clock, what do you wish you’d done in 2010?
Silence: I wish I’d invented Ruth Bourdain. Though if I’d been her creator, she’d have been Julia Bourdain. Imagine Tony fluting away in that Julia Child voice. Priceless! And her hair was almost as scary as Ruth’s. Almost. Well, not really.
OFB: If you say so. Any last words for our readers?
Silence: Life is short and uncertain. Live your dreams, or at least identify your dreams and start to live them, even if that longed-for trip to Italy is just some Italian movies, cookbooks, language lessons, an Italian-made coffee mug, and maybe a novel about Leonardo da Vinci at this point. Don’t let yourself end a day without having done at least one thing that matters to you, that gives you unalloyed pleasure.
We recently posted about Henry Howard, the Earl of Surrey, who ended his poem about what makes a good life with “Neither seek death, nor fear his might.” The Native Americans put it another way: “It is a good day to die.” Vow to greet each day with pleasure, and live in such a way that, whatever it brings, you can face it with calm, knowing that, whatever you’ve left undone, you’ve done enough to feel you’ve really lived.
OFB: Gee, Silence, I don’t know if that’s profound or scary, but thanks for this interview. Now, if we could talk about dinner…
[curtain]
2011: Another year of making do. January 3, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in homesteading, wit and wisdom.Tags: 2011, belt-tightening, frugality, grim future
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Here in the Lehigh Valley, the part of Pennsylvania where our friend Ben and Silence Dogood live, the recession has hit hard. Unemployment remains high and hiring remains low. Reading the dismal headlines, we wonder where the so-called economic recovery is taking place.
We were especially horrified to read an article in yesterday’s local paper, the Allentown, PA Morning Call, which predicted that gasoline prices would soon hit $4 a gallon, and continue to climb to $5 by 2012. Heating oil prices were also headed through the roof. Given that this has been the most bitterly (and consistently bitterly) cold winter we can remember, with temperatures consistently in the teens or below at night from November on, and barely making the twenties during the day, this is very bad news for those of us who heat with oil. A stratospheric December electric bill merely presaged the horrors of January’s deregulation, when the cost of electricity may shoot up by 30%.
People with ample disposable income can counter all this with a series of sensible moves: Buy a hybrid or electric car to reduce gas dependency, or, if you live in the city, take public transportation, carpool, or bike to work and save your car (if you even keep one) for an emergency. Trade in your inefficient, energy-guzzling appliances for new Energy Star models.
Bring in the experts to trade your doors and windows for the latest in heat- (and, in summer, cold-) retention and add the best insulation, and plenty of it. Switch to LED lighting. Set up solar arrays, hydropower units, and/or wind turbines to reduce or eliminate dependency on fossil fuels. Go greener, and berm your house and/or add a living roof and rain catchments. Install solar showers, composting toilets, and greywater retention systems.
We applaud each and every one of these improvements, and every other one that helps people become more energy-efficient and energy-independent. But, as in so many cases, it takes money to save money. Either you need to have the money in hand, or you need a rock-solid job that lets you borrow it against your future earnings. If, like us, you have neither, these longed-for changes remain pipe dreams.
Instead, we do what we can. We dial the thermostat down to 50 and add layers to compensate. We try to combine as many errands as possible so we don’t have to drive more often or farther than we must. We abandon eating out and going to movies, much less concerts and other performances. We put up insulating curtains and Bubble Wrap. We wash our dishes by hand and do one or two loads of laundry a week, air-drying as much as we can. We restrict travel to unavoidable family obligations. We have rainbarrel systems (made from recycled 55-gallon plastic drums) set up to catch roof runoff for our outdoor plants.
And, most important, we avoid temptation. Our friend Ben and Silence are very easily tempted. We see, we want, we buy. But if we don’t see, we don’t buy. So in 2011, it’s going to be another year of not going on Amazon, not going to bookstores, not going to the wonderful olive oil and vinegar emporium in nearby Bethlehem, not going to flea markets, not going antiquing, not going to crafts fairs and towns renowned for their delightful shops, not going on eBay, not going, period.
Instead, we’ll patronize our local library, and if we desperately need clothes, we’ll head to the Goodwill or Salvation Army. We enjoy Netflix and will see our movies through them. We’ll remind ourselves that no restaurant in our area can make better food than Silence can, so eating at home is no hardship. We may have had to sacrifice our gym membership, but there’s a public park within walking distance, and we have weights and an exercycle at home.
Our greatest vulnerability lies in our dependence on gas, fuel oil, and electricity—that triumvirate of skyrocketing commodities. Unlike city folk, we live in the precise middle of nowhere, where we must drive ten minutes to get to a grocery, pharmacy, or pet store. (Or, obviously, anything else, and much farther to get to a mechanic or specialist.) We work from home, so having access to electricity and high-speed internet is a given. And we couldn’t afford to trade our venerable fuel-oil furnace for, say, an efficient propane model, even if we wanted to. So we’re stuck with car transport, oil heat, and electric bills. And frankly, we’re just grateful that we still have the resources to make the weekly grocery run.
2011: Another year of making do. Punching a few more holes in the already-tightened belt. We could sell off some of our family heirlooms, but sadly, we’re both really pathetic when it comes to bargaining, and we don’t know anyone with that killer instinct who could sell them for us. So instead, we’d rather sell our collective brainpower, the ultimate renewable resource. We have plenty to spare and love to think!
What are your plans to survive 2011?
Tarantula! January 2, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in critters, pets, wit and wisdom.Tags: keeping tarantulas, Mexican red-rump tarantula, pet spiders, red-rump tarantula, tarantulas
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Gasp. Our friend Ben and Silence Dogood thought we had the market cornered on pets. We currently have a dog, three indoor cats and one outdoor cat, a parrot, three parakeets, two aquariums (housing fish, shrimp, and snails), a half-barrel water garden with snails and goldfish, and five chickens. In the past, besides innumerable cats, dogs, birds, bunnies, and fish, we’ve had anoles (OFB), toads (OFB), and mice (Silence). True, we haven’t had turtles or snakes, though we admire them, or, say, starfish and sea urchins, but on the whole, we thought we had the pet spectrum pretty well covered, at least until last Thursday.
That was the day our friend Susan, who was visiting us, casually mentioned that she had acquired a pet tarantula the previous month. Talk about being one-upped! A friend of Susan’s, an entomologist at Cornell who specializes in arachnids (spiders), had gifted her with a young Mexican red-rump tarantula (Brachypelma vagans, also called the Mexican black velvet tarantula) on a recent visit.
We, of course, were fascinated (though admittedly rather grateful that she hadn’t brought the spider along on her visit to us). Susan said she’s keeping the tarantula, which enjoys burrowing in soft substrate, in a terrarium with a layer of vermiculite on the floor to provide burrowing options and help maintain humidity (red-rump tarantulas like it pretty humid, up to 70%). A small heater helps the spider stay comfortable. Susan keeps a shallow water cup in the terrarium and feeds the tarantula live crickets, which it relishes.
In case you’re wondering how the red-rump gots its name, it’s not because it has a red bottom. Rather, its sizable abdomen (eventually reaching the size of a silver dollar) is covered in bright red hairs. The rest of its body is a velvety black, giving it its other common name, Mexican black velvet. And it’s also ornamented with a cream-edged carapace and cream-colored stripes on its legs. Quite the colorful critter, all things considered, and pretty darn big, too: full-grown females reach 5 inches, counting the legs. And they can live 15 years.
Yowie zowie! We wouldn’t want to encounter one of those in the dark, which is actually not unlikely, since they’re apparently incredibly fast and aggressive (fans prefer the term “skittish”), not surprising in a spider that lurks at the mouth of its burrow, then darts out if it perceives potential prey. Which is to say that escapes are probable. We weren’t reassured by one website that announced that the toxicity of its bite was unknown, but was “expected to be low.” Right.
To minimize the risk of escape, the Cornell professor cuts a small hole in the side of her plastic tarantula terrariums—too small for the spider to get through, but large enough to insert a cricket. That way, she doesn’t have to remove the lid each time she feeds the tarantula. Good thinking! Still, we’d feel a bit better if that hole was sealed between feedings.
Checking things out with our good friend Google, we found that some keepers of red-rump tarantulas recommend a 5-gallon terrarium with a 4- to 6-inch layer of vermiculite and perlite so the spider has plenty of room to burrow. (Note that “spider” singular: they’re cannibals, so you don’t want to keep more than one per terrarium.) They provide a half-buried clay pot, turned on its side, or a piece of cork bark as a shelter, sort of like a toad house. They also suggest misting the spider and substrate occasionally to keep the humidity at the desired level. And they pointed out that the critters have voracious appetities, though they can survive without food for several days if necessary.
The most disturbing detail was provided by Susan herself: She said the spiders have to be moved and handled very carefully, since they’re not adapted to hard surfaces and, if dropped or handled carelessly, their abdomens can shatter “like a raw egg.” Eeeewwww!!! Scrambled tarantula, anyone?
So there you have it. Susan named her spider Rosie, presumably as a nod to its common name, but we felt she could have done better, especially since she doesn’t yet know if it’s male or female. Our vote goes to Quentin. While Tarantino and tarantula are probably only related by sound, it still seems appropriate. And besides, there was Quentin, the werewolf cousin on “Dark Shadows,” the very first vampire series; no one could deny that he was (at least periodically) pretty darn hairy.
In any case, we’ve decided to hold off on acquiring our own tarantula for now. With gas prices shooting for the stars, we can’t afford the daily cricket runs.
Up in smoke: Baba ghannouj. January 1, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in recipes, wit and wisdom.Tags: baba ghannouj, liquid smoke, Middle Eastern dips
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Silence Dogood here. To me, there are two kinds of baba ghannouj, the Middle Eastern eggplant-and-garlic-based dip: smoky, and awful. Baba ghannouj is sublime—far better than hummus, in my view—when there’s a smoky flavor to the eggplant, as though it’s been charred over the coals while it roasted. But, lacking that smoky flavor, what you end up with is a bland, oily, somewhat bitter dip that makes you wonder why on earth you bothered. And that’s a real shame.
I’ve always wanted to make my own baba ghannouj, so I could make sure it had that luscious smoky flavor. But I confess I’ve been somewhat intimidated. I finally started roasting eggplants this fall, but had one disaster after another (all related to going off and forgetting about them). Still no homemade baba ghannouj.
One reason I decided to get brave and try making it at home was my decision to break down and add liquid smoke. I’d always avoided liquid smoke, thinking it was some carcinogenic chemical cocktail. But checking the ingredients list for Wright’s All Natural Hickory Seasoning Liquid Smoke at the local grocery, the ingredients were water and natural hickory smoke concentrate. Good? Bad? No worse than cooking eggplant on a grill? I decided to give it a shot.
Everything came together when our friend Ben and I were at our local Kutztown famers’ market last week and they were selling a whole bag of eggplants for a pittance. This time, I was determined to do or die. I cut the tops and bottoms off the eggplants, split them down the center, and stabbed the skin of the tops numerous times to allow steam to escape. I rubbed the tops and bottoms with olive oil and laid them cut-side-down on aluminum-foil-lined baking trays, then baked them at 350 degrees F. for about an hour, until they were fork-tender. Then I turned off the heat and let the eggplant halves cool until they were easy to touch.
Next, I rubbed the skins off the eggplant halves. This was horrifying to me, since I’m texture-sensitive and touching the oily skins made my own skin crawl. I swore I’d never make baba ghannouj again, until my friend Susan, who happened to be visiting us, suggested roasting the eggplants after skinning them. Oh. I could peel them, wrap them in aluminum foil, and cook them until they were tender. No slimy skins to work off. Thanks, Susan!
The next step was mashing the cooked, skinned eggplant with a fork, then adding tahini, ground cumin, Trocomare or RealSalt, lemon pepper, lemon juice, and plenty of minced crushed garlic, along with a generous dollop of liquid smoke. Mash, stir, mash, taste, adjust seasonings… aaaahhhh!!! Serve with hot multigrain pita wedges and raw veggies for dipping (we like broccoli and cauliflower florets, red, yellow and orange bell pepper strips, celery sticks, radish slices, grape tomatoes, and Romaine or other firm lettuce leaves). The best baba ghannouj!
Mind you, not everybody was as delighted with my baba ghannouj as I was. Susan loved it. But our friend Ben, who adores my homemade hummus, thought I should have thrown everything in the blender and created a silky-smooth, hummuslike consistency, rather than the chunky, salsalike texture of the baba ghannouj I made. I liked the texture of the baba ghannouj, but am willing to try the blender technique, as long as OFB is willing to clean the blender!
How do you like your baba ghannouj?
‘Til next time,
Silence
