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Please pass the fries. June 21, 2012

Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.
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Silence Dogood here. The part of scenic Pennsylvania where our friend Ben and I live is not, shall we say, immune from the so-called “obesity crisis” sweeping our fair nation. So I was horrified when I first saw deep-fried mac’n’cheese cubes turn up at local diners, and deep-fried pickles given away free at a local steak house. Great, I thought, just what America needs: more deep-fried foods to pad our collective paunch.

Little did I know. Today’s Yahoo! news features a story about the latest fried, uh, treat to debut at the San Diego Fair: deep-fried cereal.

I’ve never understood how anyone could bear to eat the nutrient-free, chalk-dry, garishly colored chemical concoctions that pass themselves off as dry cereal to begin with, when they could be eating actual food. But deep-fried Trix and Cinnamon Toast Crunch?! Eeeewwww!!! (Apparently the majority is with me on this one; a Yahoo! poll showed 87% agreeing with the statement “No, it’s gross on so many levels” as opposed to “Yes, it looks really tasty” when asked if they would try deep-fried cereal.) One actual taster noted that the pool of liquid grease at the bottom of the container “made me clutch my heart a little.”

Even deep-fried cereal pales in comparison to its creator’s debut food at last year’s fair: fried Kool-Aid. (No doubt fried Kool-Aid shots are in the works as I write.) This mastermind, owner of Chicken Charlie’s, offers fried everything on his menu, including fried Girl Scout cookies. I wonder if free defibrillation is offered as an optional side.

What would cause someone to eat fried cereal, or funnel cake, a PA regional specialty of lard-fried dough and powdered sugar, or even fried pickles? Simple: The same urge that makes us reach for that crispy-crackly piece of fried chicken or French fries or mozzarella sticks or fried okra or hushpuppies and fried catfish.

The combination of a crunchy, fatty exterior and a creamy (or at least soft) interior satisfies our most primitive urges.If we can add salt and sugar to the mix, we’re golden: We’ve achieved the gold standard of primitive man’s need to attain as many calories as possible in the most pleasurable possible way. (Preferably accompanied by that other effortless source of pleasure and calories, alcohol.)

Unfortunately for our health, we no longer spend the majority of our waking hours hunting and gathering or toiling in farm fields. Nor are most of us prepared to agree that weighing 300-plus pounds and dying in our mid-thirties is acceptable. The alternative is clear: Steer clear of those chimichangas and deep-fried turkeys and chicken-fried steaks. Run away from deep-fried cereal and Kool-Aid. If you can’t entirely give up that deep-fried craving, try to view it as a treat and go for the fried chicken or fish and fries once a month instead. Your arteries (and scale) will thank you. 

(To read the article, go to “Deep-Fried Cereal Debuts at County Fair” on Yahoo.com’s home page.)

               ‘Til next time,

                            Silence

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Comments»

1. narf77 - June 30, 2012

Cheers for enlightening me about the lengths that someone will go to to legally kill someone else. Consider me educated!

Ha! But the worst part is that these folks probably stuff themselves with their own creations every day, so the profit motive is probably a distant second. Though I have to say, I wonder if that guy really eats deep-fried cereal…


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