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Vandals strike, off hook again October 20, 2008

Posted by ourfriendben in critters, wit and wisdom.
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In breaking news, the vandals that ransacked the Hawk’s Haven birdfeeders have struck again. (See our earlier report, “Newsflash: Vandals strike, off hook for now” for coverage of the original incident.) Called to the scene by a distraught Silence Dogood, Feline Bureau of Investigation special agent Linus Beaumaine at first could find no sign of the missing feeder, only the dangling hook where it had been just the previous night.

“I just bought that hook on Saturday so we could hang the feeder again!” wailed Ms. Dogood. “I can’t believe the villains struck again!”

A thorough search of the premises revealed the feeder, empty but unharmed, lying in a clump of pulmonaria some yards from the house. “These are desperate times,” Agent Beaumaine cautioned. “It’s unwise to hang feeders within reach of these vandals. You’re lucky the feeder managed to survive two such vicious assaults. Few feeders would have escaped unscathed.”

Ms. Dogood confirmed that, just last week, she’d heard a horror story about plastic tube feeders being ripped to shreds by squirrels as they hung innocently on their hooks in a suburban North Carolina yard. The Hawk’s Haven feeder, a cheap little Droll Yankees all-plastic Bird Lovers model, was, against all odds, still in excellent condition.

Declining to take Special Agent Linus’s surprisingly sensible advice, Ms. Dogood insisted on returning the feeder to its hook on the rose-of-Sharon shrub. “I can see these feeders while I’m working on the computer,” she explained. “If I move them, I won’t be able to enjoy watching the birds nearly as much, since I’m in our home office most of the day. Besides,” she added, turning an accusing look on the unfortunate FBI agent, “What about this other feeder?! It’s the same kind of feeder, also filled with black oil sunflower seeds, and it’s hanging in the same shrub, barely a foot away from the plundered feeder, yet the vandals don’t bother it at all!”

Special Agent Linus appeared to be at a loss for words. Not one to let a chance for free publicity escape, President Ben took advantage of the momentary pause to say a few words. “Let’s try to keep this unspeakable outrage in perspective,” he said, while refilling the plundered feeder. “True, the perpetrators remain at large, despite our friends at the Feline Bureau’s best efforts. But we remain undaunted. We still have the feeder, and at least they didn’t make off with the hook this time.”

Smiling confidently (at least, until he realized that cub reporter Marley had failed to bring a camera crew with him to the crime scene), President Ben attempted to assure Ms. Dogood that all would be well. “In addition to the ongoing efforts of our worthy special agent here, I’ve retained the services of Private Investigator Danticat, who will continue to skulk unobtrusively in the nearby evergreens while waiting for the fiends to show themselves. Justice will be served! Nobody’s getting off the hook during my tenure in office, unless they show up with some really tasty bribes or, say, a bottle of very expensive port or bourbon.”

Attempting a conciliatory tone, President Ben added, “Uh, Silence, I do think we should consider hanging that feeder a bit higher up in the rose-of-Sharon. You could still see it from the office window, and after all, not everyone who fills the feeder is 5’5″.”

Unfortunately, this attempt at reasoning did not appear to have the effect the president was seeking. When last seen, he (along with P.I. Danticat, Special Agent Linus, the police, and your faithful reporter) was running for cover while pursued by a torrent of abuse from a highly incensed Ms. Dogood, who seemed to feel that “heightist” comments were uncalled for, especially during a traumatic time like this. As your reporter was fleeing the scene at the time, I can’t verify this, but I believe I saw a few spruce cones being hurled at President Ben’s rapidly retreating back by the enraged Ms. Dogood, whose aim was, all things considered, surprisingly good.

Further reports may be forthcoming, if I can find another reporter who’s willing to fill in. Meanwhile, the criminals remain at large. Readers are encouraged to bring their birdfeeders in at night to avoid a similar fate.



1. Cinj - October 20, 2008

I lost two birdfeeders last year to some nasty vandals. They were a bit old though so I guess the cracking when they hit the ground couldn’t be helped. Glad to hear you weren’t hurt by the pine cones being flung. Although I am a mere 5’0″ so I can relate to the heightist comments, I need a ladder to reach anything that Cheesehead puts up.

Whoa, you’re just a little bit of a girl, Cinj! How tall is Cheesehead? We’re dealing with 5’5″ (Silence) and 6’4″ (Ben) here, so the heightist comments tend to come thick and fast and are far from appreciated by the lesser, I mean shorter, uh, height-challenged half of our partnership…

2. deb - October 21, 2008

hehehe, I am taller than another blogger ( sorry cinj) at a whopping 5’1″ . Opps, that was not appropriate. Sorry about the feeder situation. The boys can make a monkey tower that is over seven feet. They reach a lot of stuff they shouldn’t that way. Maybe they can help you put your feeders out of reach of the vandals.

Hmmm, sounds like you, Cinj, and I should start a “Small but Mighty Bloggers Society” and open it up to our other height-challenged online friends… —Silence

3. Alan - October 21, 2008

I’m not even going to rise to the bait and join the vertically challenged discussion. As to the feeder problem, I would recommend soliciting the help of a trusty backwoodsman(or woman) to encourage the vandals to move else where. Squirrel pie is quite good, especially when they are fattened on sunflower seeds. Changing their status from pest to prey will make them disappear in short order.

Not sure if he’s here this year, but we had one the past few seasons that was so fat he could have easily substituted for the Thanksgiving turkey! I cringed every time he settled down on top of our cabin feeder, not because of his appetite, but from fear that his weight would bring the whole thing crashing down!

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