Jello banana pudding beetles.

Yes, it’s that time again. Our virtual inbox here at Poor Richard’s Almanac is overflowing with more wacky blog search phrases, and we need to clear them out to make room for the (inevitable) next batch. This one has some classics, many—unsurprisingly—related to the recent inundation of stinkbugs. We hope you enjoy them! As always, original search phrase in bold, our response following.

eating elephants: Sometimes it feels really good to be vegetarian.

did julia child have a facelift: If she did, please don’t share the name of her plastic surgeon with us.

cat makes noise when a mice is on its mouth: I’m sure it’s nothing compared to the noise we’d make if a mice was on our mouth. 

what role does the inept British official: We invite you to send in your favorite ideas for completing this sentence. Right now, we’re leaning toward “play in the decline of crumpet sales worldwide.”

what is big cheese called: Well, you could start with Tom and see if it answered.

did the romans have ketchup: A good question, and believe it or not, they did. But it wasn’t kept in bottles, it wasn’t red, and it wasn’t made with tomatoes. Instead, Roman ketchup was a fermented fish paste stored in jars. Like many Americans with today’s red stuff, they used it liberally on pretty much everything, too. Today’s ketchup is a direct descendant of that awful-sounding stuff.

stink bugs gatorade: There’s always some marketer lurking—just like a stinkbug—in hopes of catching the latest wave, but this time, Gatorade has gone too far. We doubt that this new flavor will catch on, even if some pro team changes its name to, say, the Seattle Stinkbugs and employs a stinkbug mascot.

poor richard’s almanac critical analysis: Spare us, please. We get enough grief as it is.

why do cats have colored eyes: It would be too hard to see them if they were clear.

jello banana pudding beetles: This is a new species for us.

stink bug desperate: Who could blame it? In this economy, we’re all getting a bit desperate. 

just smash a garlic clove with a hammer: Then smear it on the nearest vampire, and use the garlic-laden hammer to nail the coffin shut. Problem solved, and just in time for Hallowe’en!

woodpeckers eat stink bugs: We wish. We have plenty of woodpeckers, and plenty of stinkbugs, around here. But we’ve yet to see a woodpecker pick off a single stinkbug. However, here’s another great marketing opportunity: stinkbug-filled suet blocks! They already have seed- and even mealworm-filled suet blocks. Why not put those stinkbugs to good use?

hairspray & stinkbugs: We’d been wondering why all our stinkbugs were going around with those tiny beehive hairdos. Clearly, they need a new stylist.

why does broccoli taste so good with mayonnaise: Mayo on broccoli? Eeeewww!!! We prefer ours with butter and lemon juice or olive oil and garlic, but hey, fat is fat, and fat is where it’s at when it comes to flavor and satisfaction. Beats the hell out of fermented fish paste, whatever Caligula may have had to say to the contrary.

why are there holes in mushroom containers: Another good question, and the answer is the same as for garlic containers: Mushrooms and garlic keep longer if they can breathe. That’s why they tell you to store mushrooms in a paper bag rather than in the plastic-wrapped container or plastic bag they’re likely to come in.

That’s it for this batch! Stay tuned for the next installment…