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The return of Captain Morgan. August 9, 2011

Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.
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Aaaarrrr!!! Yarrrr!!! Fans of Captain Morgan, rejoice!

Well, fans of the actual pirate, rejoice. Fans of Captain Morgan rum in its many incarnations have most likely never stopped rejoicing. It appears that Captain Morgan’s legendary flagship has at last been discovered, and is now being recovered, off the coast of Panama.

Captain Morgan, later Admiral Sir Henry Morgan, Lieutenant Governor and later acting Governor of Jamaica, was one lucky pirate while he lived. While his famous contemporaries, such as Blackbeard and Black Bart—the Great Pirate Roberts, most successful pirate of all times in terms of both plunder and personal style—suffered ignominious deaths at the hands of the British Navy, Captain Morgan survived and thrived, receiving a knighthood, an admiralty, and the rule of Jamaica for his efforts. (He eventually died—take note, all you rum-drinkers—of alcoholism-related liver failure.)

But Captain Admiral Governor Royal Sir Henry’s real-life adventures and successes, stunning as they were, are nothing compared to his astounding afterlife as the spokespirate for Captain Morgan rum. No pirate, living or dead, real or fictional, ever had it so good. The annual revenues from sales of Captain Morgan rum would dwarf the combined plunder of every pirate who ever lived. Even famed real-life pirates like Blackbeard and Jean Lafitte, and fictional pirates like Captain Hook, have faded to also-ran status in the face of Captain Morgan rum’s pervasive ad campaigns and ever-present bottles. The only pirate who poses the least threat to Captain Morgan’s modern-day supremacy is Cap’n Jack Sparrow, since Long John Silver’s seafood franchise has opted for a nautical rather than piratical theme and Cap’n Crunch is actually the good guy, not the pirate. 

This has, however, been a great year for pirate ships. This spring, the government of North Carolina finally agreed to recognize a shipwreck their experts had been studying for years as Blackbeard’s flagship, the Queen Anne’s Revenge. And now we have Captain Morgan’s own flagship, pricelessly named Satisfaction, discovered and identified off the coast of Panama. Satisfaction and four other ships were lost in 1671 as Captain Morgan attempted to loosen Spain’s stranglehold on the New World by securing Panama City for the British Crown.

Unfortunately, Captain Morgan couldn’t get no satisfaction, but neither did the Panamanian government, at least until now. All treasures from the shipwreck are officially the property of the Panamanian government and will be on display in Panama. In the “what goes around comes around” mode, the recovery was led by archaeologists from Texas State University funded by, who else, Captain Morgan (rum) USA.

At least all of us pirate enthusiasts can get some satisfaction, even if we can’t afford a trip to Panama. We can see artifacts from Blackbeard’s Queen Anne’s Revenge on display at the North Carolina Maritime Museum in Beaufort, NC. Aaaarrrrr, me hearties!!! You savvy?!! Time to stir yer stumps before yer sent off to Davy Jones’s locker!

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