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Poor alberts almanac. August 21, 2011

Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.
Tags: , ,

Poor Albert. We don’t know who he is, but we do know that the wacky blog post searches have continued to pour in to Poor Richard’s Almanac as the summer progresses. Maybe it’s the heat?! Anyway, it’s time for another “best of” roundup. As always, search phrase in bold, our comment following. We hope you enjoy the latest batch as much as we have!

napoleon richard’s almanac, poor alberts almanac, poor richard almanac for texas: Um, whatever.

old blue and deer poem: “There once was a deer that was old and blue/If you were old and people were taking pot shots at you/You’d be blue too.” Does that work for you?

what to do if you don’t have a microwave: God help you. Clearly survival is not an option.

can you eat blight on tomatoes: Please let us know, but let’s just say we’re not planning to follow your example even if you survive.

Dutch recipes poor: We’ll refrain from passing judgement, since Dutch cuisine falls outside our ken. Guess it’s high time Silence Dogood looked into Dutch cuisine so we could see for ourselves.  

eat a james madison: Comment suppressed. Let’s just say we don’t think Mr. Madison would have been to our taste, tiny, bony thing that he was.

side effects of bourbon:  Trust us, they’re all good.

got sprayed by a stink bug on the hand, how long will stink bugs be around: Sprayed by a stink bug?! Maybe it was a mutant skunk. We hope your hand survives, or if not, that you donate it to science. As for how long stink bugs will be around, like kudzu, cockroaches, Japanese beetles, fleas, bedbugs, mosquitos, ticks, and poison ivy, however long it takes to torture human beings and take them to the edge.

blackened brie: Er. Is this for real? Sometimes we just don’t know. We’ve never heard of blackened Brie, but following the era of blackened everything, perhaps chefs are trying to expand. Please let us know if you know of or have tried it!

throw pennies at paul revere grave: This strikes us as disrespectful in the extreme. If you want to voluntarily part with your spare change, please throw it at us.

what cancels out garlic breath: Gas masks work. Or how about murder, or at least a good gag? Chewing fresh mint, cilantro, or ginger might also do the trick.

things to do with ripe tomatoes: Launching them on unsuspecting passersby is our favorite. (Who needs paintball?!) But whipping one out and splatting it in the face of the next petty official who demands ID is definitely an option. Who do they think they are?!

refrigerator pickles using ranch dressing: No, oh no. Silence says that pickles are great, ranch dressing is great, fresh cuke slices dipped in ranch dressing are great, but cukes pickled in ranch dressing are not just gross, how could they possibly be pickled?! She promises to write a post promoting the many benefits of fresh cukes soon. Meanwhile, please refrain from eating pickled cukes in ranch dressing.

red wine margarita recipe named after a car: Uh-huh. We’re not familiar with this drink. We doubt even Jimmy Buffett has ever heard of this one. To avoid a quality vacation in the hospital and/or jail, we suggest that you make sangria with your red wine, enjoy your margaritas straight up, and refrain from driving any car whatever after indulging in any of the above.  

That’s it for this batch! But we’re sure more are on the way…



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