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The alien phone. September 14, 2014

Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.
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Silence Dogood here. Being a Luddite, I still use a land-line phone. (Our friend Ben was finally seduced by a smartphone.) But recently, my phone has malfunctioned, directing callers to voicemail on the first ring, buzzing rather than giving me a ringtone, not letting me answer incoming calls, make calls, or access voicemail. What’s the deal, was I late with a payment? (As the comedian Steven Wright said, “If you think nobody cares if you’re dead or alive, try missing a payment.”)

But this didn’t prepare me for last night’s drama. At 1 a.m., OFB and I were awakened by the unbearably loud barking of our giant black German shepherd, Shiloh, as she charged the front door. When OFB went to investigate (while I, of course, cowered in the bedroom), he found two police officers outside! They said my phone had been dialing 911, and they had come to see if anything was wrong.

The phone had been dialing 911 by itself. I quickly disconnected it so it wouldn’t continue to call officers to the scene, and wondered who else it had been calling. Rushing to my good friend Google, I found that this had happened to other people, and that the most frequent cause was a damaged outdoor cord that had allowed water to get in and short the phone out.

Believe that if you choose, but I have another theory: That an alien has entered our home, assumed the appearance of my old phone, and been trying to contact the Mother Ship. I’ll be pitching my story to The National Enquirer next week.

‘Til next time,

Silence

Comments»

1. auntynini - September 16, 2014

So now what? phone? no phone? fixed phone? smart phone? phone home?

Ha! Thanks for asking, auntynini! So far, still no phone, which is both good and bad. Bad, because I have no idea who’s been trying to reach me; good, because the house is completely quiet now. (If you don’t count the cats yowling—that would be Layla, or meeping—that would be Linus, the dog carrying on, Plutarch the Pirate Parrot squawking and yelling at Shiloh that she’s a “Bad dog!” and the parakeets vocalizing their own twitter network. At least the fish are quiet.) I’ll have to get the phone people out here this week to see what’s wrong with it. On the plus side, the police haven’t been back!


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