A weighty issue. January 7, 2013
Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.Tags: blog humor, Honey Boo Boo, obesity, obesity crisis, overweight, overweight kilograms
3 comments
Silence Dogood here. I’ll bet you’re as sick as I am of reading and hearing constantly about our obesity crisis, where it appears that just by breathing we’re magically packing on pounds, and the only sure way to keep weight off is to opt for the terminal solution. (It’s hard to gain weight when you’re dead.)
So today I was astonished to see two sides of the weight-gain spectrum on the Yahoo! home page. Our friend Ben and I don’t get the cable stations and don’t watch the few stations we do get, so I’ve been bemused by the Honey Boo Boo phenomenon. What’s that, a teddy bear? The next (shudder) Barney? And why would anyone care?
I was astounded to see a photo of Honey Boo Boo, a fat little girl, with her enormously fat mother. It turned out to be yet another reality TV show. I’m still not sure what it’s about, or how it came to be to begin with, but I have to assume people watch Honey and her Mama because they’re so grotesquely fat. It’s a form of fat rubbernecking. Yikes!
In the science headlines lurked the other weight-related headline: Even the kilogram is gaining weight. Say what?! If an abstract unit of measure is packing on the pounds, what hope is there for us poor flesh-and-blood mortals? The article explained that 40 platinum and platinum-iridium cylinders, each weighing precisely a kilogram (2.2 pounds), were distributed to the countries that embraced the metric standard in the 1880s so there would be a gold (or in this case, platinum) weight standard across the scientific community.
Unfortunately, over the years, the cylinders, despite being enclosed in glass, have apparently put on weight. Now not only does no single cylinder weigh exactly a kilogram, but each weighs a slightly different amount due to carbon and mercury contamination. These plus-sized cylinders may not really have gained enough weight to be visible to the human eye, but the scale doesn’t lie, and the point is that, in science, precision determines results. Fortunately, the cylinders can be stripped of their excess flab with a simple UV treatment. Unlike us, they don’t have to enroll in boot camp, go on crash diets, endure bariatric surgery, or compete on “The Biggest Loser.”
So, scientists, the million-dollar question: When will you devise a UV treatment that strips off our excess pounds?! The world is waiting…
‘Til next time,
Silence
Please pass the fries. June 21, 2012
Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.Tags: deep-fried cereal, deep-fried Kool-Aid, deep-fried pickles, fried chicken, fried foods, obesity, obesity crisis, perils of fried foods
1 comment so far
Silence Dogood here. The part of scenic Pennsylvania where our friend Ben and I live is not, shall we say, immune from the so-called “obesity crisis” sweeping our fair nation. So I was horrified when I first saw deep-fried mac’n’cheese cubes turn up at local diners, and deep-fried pickles given away free at a local steak house. Great, I thought, just what America needs: more deep-fried foods to pad our collective paunch.
Little did I know. Today’s Yahoo! news features a story about the latest fried, uh, treat to debut at the San Diego Fair: deep-fried cereal.
I’ve never understood how anyone could bear to eat the nutrient-free, chalk-dry, garishly colored chemical concoctions that pass themselves off as dry cereal to begin with, when they could be eating actual food. But deep-fried Trix and Cinnamon Toast Crunch?! Eeeewwww!!! (Apparently the majority is with me on this one; a Yahoo! poll showed 87% agreeing with the statement “No, it’s gross on so many levels” as opposed to “Yes, it looks really tasty” when asked if they would try deep-fried cereal.) One actual taster noted that the pool of liquid grease at the bottom of the container “made me clutch my heart a little.”
Even deep-fried cereal pales in comparison to its creator’s debut food at last year’s fair: fried Kool-Aid. (No doubt fried Kool-Aid shots are in the works as I write.) This mastermind, owner of Chicken Charlie’s, offers fried everything on his menu, including fried Girl Scout cookies. I wonder if free defibrillation is offered as an optional side.
What would cause someone to eat fried cereal, or funnel cake, a PA regional specialty of lard-fried dough and powdered sugar, or even fried pickles? Simple: The same urge that makes us reach for that crispy-crackly piece of fried chicken or French fries or mozzarella sticks or fried okra or hushpuppies and fried catfish.
The combination of a crunchy, fatty exterior and a creamy (or at least soft) interior satisfies our most primitive urges.If we can add salt and sugar to the mix, we’re golden: We’ve achieved the gold standard of primitive man’s need to attain as many calories as possible in the most pleasurable possible way. (Preferably accompanied by that other effortless source of pleasure and calories, alcohol.)
Unfortunately for our health, we no longer spend the majority of our waking hours hunting and gathering or toiling in farm fields. Nor are most of us prepared to agree that weighing 300-plus pounds and dying in our mid-thirties is acceptable. The alternative is clear: Steer clear of those chimichangas and deep-fried turkeys and chicken-fried steaks. Run away from deep-fried cereal and Kool-Aid. If you can’t entirely give up that deep-fried craving, try to view it as a treat and go for the fried chicken or fish and fries once a month instead. Your arteries (and scale) will thank you.
(To read the article, go to “Deep-Fried Cereal Debuts at County Fair” on Yahoo.com’s home page.)
‘Til next time,
Silence