Yes, it really IS funny. May 1, 2013
Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.Tags: Amazon, Amazon product reviews, blog humor, The Wall Street Journal
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Today’s Wall Street Journal featured a story about snide, sarcastic, ironic, and just generally funny reviews people leave on Amazon for books and products that strike them as ludicrous. Our friend Ben and Silence Dogood, who are wordsmiths to the core of our beings, were laughing our heads off at some of these comments.
Admittedly, we wonder who had the time to write them. We’ve never left even one comment on the Amazon reviews pages, whether we loved a given book, CD or movie, or hated it. We can’t imagine how these folks—sometimes thousands of them—find the time to do so. But we’re glad they do.
Why? Because they’re screamingly funny. Take the reviews of the (perfectly serious) tome How to Avoid Huge Ships by Captain John W. Trimmer. One reviewer’s comment: “I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Capt. Trimmer’s other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train and How to Avoid the Empire State Building.” Another: “Saved My Life and My Sanity. For about 8 months now I have noticed that a huge ship has been stalking me…I was fearful because my parents were killed by a big ship when they went out one day 4 years ago to walk the dog, and I have nightmares about it to this day.” Explaining why he’d given the book four stars rather than five, this reviewer added, “I do have to deduct a star because the book did not come out in time to save my parents.”
OFB and Silence enthusiastically support the efforts of anyone who chooses to commit the time to brighten our Dilbertian days. Our favorite from the article, however, left even How to Avoid Huge Ships in its wake. It was for a product rather than a book, a product that’s apparently sold on Amazon. Unlikely as it seems, you can actually buy a uranium sample on Amazon. Of the Images Scientific Instruments Uranium Ore Sample, one reviewer complained, “I purchased this product 4.47 billion years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.”
To discover more along these lines for products such as Fresh Whole Rabbit (“It’s Dead!”) and the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, head to http://www.wsj.com and check out “Products Are No Joke, but Reviews Are.” We could all use a good laugh.
The electronic library. April 21, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.Tags: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, e-readers, Kindle, Nook, public libraries, self-publishing, The Wall Street Journal, virtual publishing
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Our friend Ben’s head is still spinning from a pair of articles in this morning’s Wall Street Journal about electronic publishing. Taken together, they had all the makings of a blockbuster: ambition, success, greed, hope, and despair. (Not to mention murder, but that was in the plots of the e-books, not the articles.)
The first, “Cheapest E-Books Upend the Charts,” discusses how, among other things, writers can sell self-published e-books for 99 cents (of which they receive 35 cents per download) and still make a comparative fortune. The example they gave was of a mystery writer who made $126,000 from Amazon alone in March, thanks to 369,000 downloads of his 99-cent books, and received additional income from e-sales via Barnes & Noble, Kobo Inc., and Apple.
Lest you think I’m talking about Stephen King, the hero of this rags-to-riches tale is one John Locke, Louisville (KY) businessman by day, thriller writer by night, “who published his first paperback two years ago at age 58.” He’s only been self-publishing e-books since March 2010, so it took him exactly a year to reach that $126,000-plus monthly total. During that year he’s also kept the product coming: Seven of his e-books are now on Amazon’s top 50 digital bestseller list.
For a writer like our friend Ben, this success story is the ultimate fantasy, almost better than winning the lottery. Too good to be true? Yes and no. Yes, because Mr. Locke did everything right. First, he’s a businessman, not your average English major hawking fries at McDonald’s. He researched the market, settled on a format and price for his books, cranked them out to maximize exposure, put them up for sale on every e-book venue for the same reason, and did all the other things you have to do to create a successful sales platform: blog about the books, hire a freelance designer and editor, collect followers on Twitter (he currently has more than 20,000), answer hundreds of fan e-mails every day, get an agent to market the foreign and movie rights.
Mr. Locke sums up the reasons behind his books’ success succintly: “It’s all about marketing, but they have to like your stuff.” It’s also all about hard work and a major time investment, writing and tweeting and blogging and e-mailing and selling. Mr. Locke put all that in, and now he’s getting it out. If you or our friend Ben were to self-publish an e-book, be it never so wonderful, and not put that kind of push behind it, it would doubtless languish on the virtual shelves and we’d be lucky to make, well, 99 cents.
But in one sense, it’s not too good to be true, and that is that you no longer have to be Tom Clancy or Nora Roberts or one of the 12 other people whose books regularly flood the market to become a successful published author. But you do have to do the research, do the work, get it out there, and hope that enough people “like your stuff.”
The other article that knocked our friend Ben for a loop was also about e-books, “Amazon’s Kindle Will Offer E-Books From [sic] Libraries.” Apparently, Barnes & Noble’s Nook other e-readers have offered purchasers the opportunity to download library books for free for quite some time. Now Kindle will join them in providing this service “later this year.”
Our friend Ben approves. I’m not an e-book reader; I spend my days in front of the computer writing, editing, and researching, and when I want to read for pleasure, I want a real book, not a virtual one. I also enjoy going to the library and looking around at the new books shelves and the stacks. But for those who do their reading on a Kindle, Nook, Sony Reader, or what have you, having access to free library e-books, even if it’s just for the library’s normal lending period of 14 to 21 days, seems like a great feature.
But wait. Why on earth would you have to “return” a virtual library book? As our friend Ben continued reading the article, I became even more confused. “Only one person can check out each digital copy at a time,” it continued. Exactly as if the e-version was a physical book.
Say what, now?! What’s the point of making the books available digitally if everyone who wants to read them can’t do so simultaneously? Isn’t that, ultimately, the virtual advantage? Rather like the difference between streaming a movie from Netflix versus having them mail you a DVD. Imagine what an uproar there would be if Netflix only allowed one person to stream a movie at a time!
Clearly, our friend Ben wasn’t following here. It turns out I wasn’t just clueless but naive. The reason only one person can check out a virtual copy of a library book is that the library itself must buy each copy from the publisher, and since e-books don’t wear out, the library need never replace it, unlike hardcover and paperback books. Publishers aren’t at all happy about the resulting loss of revenue, and have been trying to approach the whole digital books-in-libraries dilemma and come up with a profitable business model; limiting each digital book to the one-at-a time checkout, so each library must buy multiple copies of popular books, is one strategy.
So far, the profitable business model has proved elusive. Two major publishers, Simon & Schuster and Macmillan, won’t sell digital books to libraries at all. Another publishing giant, HarperCollins, insists that libraries must repurchase their digital titles after 26 checkouts. Our friend Ben would think that publishers might view libraries as marketing tools—you read it, you love it, you buy it for yourself or as a gift—but I guess not.
Turning a profit in the virtual world has always been a publishing challenge. But now, thanks to e-readers and entrepreneurial writers like John Locke, that may be changing. I just hope that Mr. Locke gives copies of his books to libraries for free.
To find out more, go to www.wsj.com. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some writing to do…
What will become of books? February 20, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.Tags: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, books, Borders, e-books, future of books, Kindle, Nook
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Our friend Ben and Silence Dogood were having supper with our friend Rob when the topic of books came up, as it often does, all of us being avid readers. “Between Borders declaring bankruptcy—did you know they’re closing their only store in this area?—and Barnes & Noble’s book selection shrinking every time we go in there, what’s going to become of the printed book?” Silence wailed.
Rob was characteristically optimistic. “Maybe the demise of the chains will mean that independent bookstores, the mom-and-pop operations that the chains, Wal*Mart-like, drove out of business, will make a comeback. I remember there was a wonderful independent bookstore at the mall before Borders took over. And think of Malaprop’s in Asheville. It seems to still be thriving!”
Silence shook her head sadly. “How could any individual afford the overhead to open a bookstore in a mall, Rob? Much less pay the rent malls charge nowadays…”
Our friend Ben was equally pessimistic. “Malaprop’s is something of a special case. It’s in Asheville, a city of artists and intellectuals that values independence and originality. And, as far as I know, there are no chain bookstores in Asheville to challenge it with lower prices. We had a wonderful privately-owned bookstore in my native Nashville, Davis-Kidd, that finally closed because it couldn’t compete with the chains. I’m not sure any private bookstore could, if a chain store opened near it.”
“What about Bethlehem’s Moravian Book Shop?” Rob persisted. “It’s not only still open, it’s the oldest continually operating bookstore in the world!”
“Yes, yes,” Silence muttered. “But consider: What percentage of what it sells are books? It seems to me it has two rooms of books and six rooms of food, candy, ornaments, cookware, cards, jewelry, housewares, and the like. Diversifying may have saved it, but I’d hardly call it a bookstore any more, even though the staff obviously and carefully selects the books they do carry.”
“And what about Amazon?” our friend Ben added, playing Devil’s advocate as usual. “We buy a lot of our books on Amazon. Especially some of us who are addicted to cookbooks.”
Silence, stung by this comment, replied, “Face facts, Ben, Amazon can’t be beat when it comes to convenience. If you already know what you want, it’s not only effortless to order with a few clicks from the comfort of home, but you get deep discounts and free Super Saver shipping.”
“True, but you’ll miss the serendipity of looking through the shelves,” Rob noted. “In a store, you can find books you’d never have thought existed, books that call your name, not just in the cooking racks but in history, crafts, historical fiction, nature… The beauty of a bookstore is that you can browse and discover. Even though we all browse the online bookstores to the best of our ability, it’s just not the same as being able to wander around, picking up, opening, and exploring any book that strikes your fancy.”
“I just wish we could have all the options,” Silence said. “I love the convenience of Amazon, the idea that if I read about a book and want it, I know they’ll have it, or I can buy a used copy through them even if it’s no longer in print. I love going to the big chain stores like Barnes & Noble and Borders and seeing what they have available, the ‘kid in the candy shop’ syndrome. And I love going into a privately-owned bookstore where it’s clear that the owners personally selected every single book in the store based on its merit, rather than having to offer them because the chain buyers managed to swing a great deal with the publishers.”
“We’re ignoring the elephant in the room here,” our friend Ben reluctantly pointed out, “and that’s e-books and e-readers like Amazon’s Kindle and Barnes & Noble’s Nook. Amazon claims that Kindle is its bestselling product, and more and more of B&N’s efforts seem to be directed towards selling its Nook. We’re already looking at three generations who are used to getting all their information, and much of their social interaction and education, online, with plenty more to follow. Amazon and B&N have seen that future and moved to meet it. How soon will virtual publishing replace books altogether?”
“Don’t make me cry, Ben,” Silence said, her eyes suspiciously moist. “I know some of our friends point out how convenient e-readers are. They say that it’s easy to load them up with vacation reading, for example, rather than hauling 50 pounds of books along on every trip. And the price is certainly right, given how expensive real books are these days.”
“So what is the future of books?” our friend Ben asked. “Will those of us who love to browse, who love to hold a real book in our hands, be forced to rely on libraries and used-book stores? Will publishers stop printing books and switch to an all-virtual format? Will real books, beautifully illustrated books, rare books, again become the province of the wealthy, the educated, the collector, as was the case through most of human history, while the rest of the world goes virtual?” We all looked at each other, stricken.
“You know, Ben, I think it’s time we made another visit to the Saucony Book Shop to see what Brendan’s acquired in the used-book line,” Silence finally said. “And maybe we can figure out a way to add a few more bookcases to Hawk’s Haven, while there’s still time.”
“Good idea.”
“Gee, I think I’ll check my own bookshelves, then stop by Moravian Book Shop tomorrow to fill in some gaps,” Rob added. “I’ve been putting it off, but I think maybe now I’ll make it a priority.”
Yeesh. Our friend Ben has long wondered if society would split between the book hoarders and the non-readers. Silence and I have built up a massive library just in case, and so have many of our friends. Call me a pessimist, but just yesterday, high winds took our power down for 6 hours. What if a bolt of concentrated energy wiped out every e-reader in existence? What if an asteroid hit the earth? Then books, those humble, paper repositories of human history, human knowledge, and the human imagination, would be the only thing between us and oblivion. We don’t plan to trade our library for a virtual reader anytime soon.
Farewell to books and DVDs. January 19, 2011
Posted by ourfriendben in wit and wisdom.Tags: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, end of books, end of DVDs, Kindle, Netflix, Nook
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Our friend Ben was stunned to see a news item this morning that Netflix had created a firestorm of protest by noting that it was promoting its streaming video service at the expense of its DVDs-by-mail, and that it’s eventually expected to drop DVD service altogether, possibly within two years.
Silence Dogood and I subscribe to Netflix, and have very much enjoyed the service. For $14.95 a month—considerably less than a mere two tickets to our local movie theater—we can order as many films and TV programs as we have time or inclination to watch. And watching them couldn’t be easier, since they arrive through the mail in a simple, free mail-back package. You can hold onto them as long as you like without penalty, too, so if you get busy, no worries (and no late fees).
There’s another advantage of Netflix, and that’s its diversity. Our friend Ben has observed that few people seem to share the same taste in movies and programming. Since you can order whatever and as much as you like through Netflix, this feature allows you to watch exactly what you want without dragging your unhappy partner or spouse to see it with you, or worse, being dragged yourself, or having to sit alone in a movie theater.
I’ll confess that I’ve seen more than enough of Jane Austen, Tony Bourdain, and the like to last a lifetime, yet Silence has already put the next season of Bourdain’s “No Reservations” and the latest BBC adaptations of Austen in our Netflix queue. Silence feels exactly that way about the Coen brothers’ films and war movies: thanks, but no thanks. With Netflix, we can each order our favorites, and also collaborate to make sure we have plenty of movies or shows in the queue that we both want to watch.
But what if Netflix cuts us off? Mind you, we know plenty of teens and twentysomethings who love watching movies and TV shows on their tiny computer screens. Not us, though. We like the shared experience of watching together on a larger screen, the comfort of relaxing on the sofa or rocking chair without balancing a laptop on our laps, the ability to enjoy a snack or drink or, say, knitting while we watch instead of crouching over the screen so we don’t miss anything. As for people who watch movies on their iPods or MP3s or whatever, we just can’t comprehend it.
Fine, you might be thinking, so go rent your movies from Blockbuster. Well, by the time Netflix cuts us off, Blockbuster—in large part thanks to Netflix—will be history. Okay, then, just buy the damned movies and shows from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and the like. But what if we can’t afford them, or find that we don’t like them? We’d rather rent them first, then buy them if we find we love them and would like to watch them repeatedly.
Looks like we may have to rely solely on books from here on out. But wait… what about books? Amazon is so busy pushing its Kindle e-reader, and Barnes & Noble its Nook e-reader, that they might decide to pursue the Netflix model and phase out real books altogether. The day may not be far off when it’s impossible to find actual books outside a library or used-book store. Trust us, we’re stocking up as our finances and space permit. With luck, we’ll have accumulated enough compelling and thought-provoking reading to take us into old age by the time books become obsolete.
There’s a movie called “Fahrenheit 451” in which books are officially banned by a police state and an underground movement springs up to memorize and recite books to keep their content alive. This is storytelling, the way the first people perpetuated their history and provided wisdom and entertainment before writing was invented.
Are we really going back there? “There once was a movie called ‘Independence Day.’ Picture, if you will, a computer geek who detects a secret countdown, an Army lifer who longs to be an astronaut, and an alien culture that plans to eat humanity alive…”
Our friend Ben supposes it could happen. It might not even be all bad, since storytelling is an art that draws people of all ages, nations, and classes together. But I hope, I so much hope, it remains a choice rather than a necessity…
Poor Richard's Almanac 